Tomorrow is the day... yeah... going home for CNY. Since few months, my excitement was climbing higher and higher as the day of going home approaching. It's been the most exciting and the most "I looked forward to" one ever since I started to be away from home, for study and for work. This time for me is also a 'going home' which I can go with confident (after feeling so 'useless' for mum and dad for few years. Well, just in recent months I think I was being 'healed' and 'freed' from all my unconfidence, sense of unacceptance and my bondage of performance.
I started counting down the days to going home... until... that day of 'argumenting' with ce.I was deeply hurt, saddened, and discouraged. All my excitement of going home which already reached 100% of the graph suddenly dropped to 0%. Not because I'll be seeing Ce, but may be mostly because all my confidence and happiness of thinking I'm pleasing and happying Pa & Mi were just crashed and wasshed off. It had almost brought all the bondages which are already in process of recovering back to my life. But thank God... God's with me all the time, He'll not let that happen. One day after the 'quarrel' (which was yesterday) was really miserable for me. But I know, God was holding me tightly. Even today, thinking that I'll be going home tomorrow still make me feel a bit nervous and weird, but I'm happy... yeah, no performance needed... I just want to be home to see my family, to be with Pa and Mi..
And, another thing, once again I am reminded that I really can do nothing to earn love and acceptance. It's a grace and blessing. Be it to God, or to my loved ones, if I try to please them, it's purely out of my love to them, no to earn acceptance, love, or whatever. Yeah... I'm sorry God, for all my arrogance and proud. If Pa & Mum loves me, accept me, be proud of me, delight in me, etc... it's not at all by my might or what I do, but it's all by your love. Ya, once again I'm really reminded. Thank You, Holy Spirit...
So, Xin Nian Kuai Le... Xin Nian Mong En...Ps. I'm going home tomorrow.. with mission and burden to love my family, especially koko.
Ssst... God... Please let my family know how I love them, and how the mean so much to me... (Especially Pa & Mi)
