Another 'confusion'

Many things happened in these 2 days. While I've been struggling with my confusion of whether to wait for the job in dcOptima or just go to Sing, suddenly on Tuesday, something happened to Ce and her husband, which really sadden me as well. Something that relate to my family. Right away, it became another 'factor' that came into the list of 'to be considered' (in my job-seeking case). On that very day also, I 'almost' made up my mind to go to Sing. But still, there are fear for that decision. The fear that I'll spend another period of time being jobless in Sing (which of course means spending more). But, seems that it's the only solution.
Before, 'money' is not really a matter for me in looking for job. But now, it's been quite an 'up' one in the list of considerations.
Then, while I was 'almost' ended up in that 'decision', a call from dcOptima came telling me that I am to attend the meeting with the client-side team in Bintaro. Oh God.... I'm so confuse. I'm really afraid that I'll end up in a wrong decision of mine. In one side, I wondered, if God let this problem happen to ensure me to make up my mind to leave for SIng. But in another hand, it seems that when I almost 'reach' that decision, something came to 'block' that decision to be made. Till now, I haven't known yet how I should go to that place (Bintaro) tomorrow. I have no way... I can just surrender, God... totally... No way seems to be right and possible for me to take. Not dcOptime, nor Singapore.
Then last nite, got a call, Dad's sick and is in Hospital. Up to here, I can't even think anymore. My brain really needs to stop. Don't know which one I should think of first. God... now I'm really relying on You alone. Coz You know, God... Even myself, I can trust her anymore... What Sand said is true, sometimes God does create such a situation to make us realize that it's the time when "we can't rely to anyone, anything else anymore. Lian zi ji dou bu neng kao le..."
Now I'm so 'blank'. Don't know what to think, what to decide, even how to think, I don't know.... What I can say now is just... God... please help me....

1st Chinese New Year in Jakarta

Supposed to greet everyone Happy Chinese New Year (not too late still, huh?) This' the first year 'really' being away from 'home' for CNY. Well.. though not being in Skw for CNY twice, but it was in Kg. Jering (Grandma's house), so still 'my home' right? ^ ^ This time in sister's house. It was really a different CNY, didn't really feel the 'Qi Fen' of CNY. It was just like the other ordinary days. New Year Eve, missed Dad & Mum, home, Skw, and Ipoh so much.
But 1 glad thing is that I could spend my CNY with 'ministry' still. (for me, to serve in God's field is a "priviledge"). Played keyboard in both KU1&KU2, felt so good. Then came home, though everybody's left to relatives' house, I felt so OK. Yep, that's the meaningful life. Then, still manage to join them to people's house, got some angpaos..haha... thanks God.. for His great providence.. then at nite, went out with those 'wifes' (my sis, peng, ci lia, yen) haha... learned a lot from them, for my future of course ^ ^
Then on the next day, went to Sian Ce's house in Jemb. 5 with Sand. (Thanks a lot, Sand.. I had a great time). After that, chatted with him for quite a while... about life... about 'our' life. Seems that we have so many similarities in 'treating' life, and sometimes it included Deni as well. Den, Sand, and me.... the 'similar' creatures of God... haha... But through the conversation, many things that suddenly just popped out on my mind, of the things and the blessings I learned/get during the 'process'. Thank You, God.. Thank you, Sand.. for reminding me of many positive things.

I'm Sorry.. God...

Mon, 13 Feb '07 10.52am

God.. I'm sorry, I'm like this again. But I really run out of that 'spirit'. I am so exhausted, strengthless to fight against my feelings anymore.
It's been ages since I never wake up with a right heart attitude (with hope, "Qi Dai"). Never woke up with a "looking forward" feeling. But everyday I woke up with questions "what am I doing here?", "Why do I end up like this?", "When will this moments end?", "What should I do today?", and many more.. And today "Being far away from parents, and yet doing nothing here, without any purpose.. Oh God.. What on earth am I here for?" What is this all about, Lord... Who can really understand this kind of feeling of mine???

P.S. And at the end of this post, Den.. you know that you're 'normal' :)

Happy Valentine

Again... this' supposed to be posted yesterday, but no internet line. So this' actually what I wrote in my diary yesterday.

Happy Valentine, Jia Yun (and everyone who read this, my Sai Mui, of course). I love you.. God loves you even more, far far beyond what you could think of. He loves you, cares for you, 'n understands you more than anyone in life. ~> and I love You so, my God...

Watched "Smile Pasta" 'til 2am again. Argghh... Jia Yun.. is this your life?? What kinda life is this? Anyway, really impressed by Xiao Shi's "Wu Gui Jing Shen" (Spirit of Tortoise). I am the winner as long I reach the finish. "Dan Chuen".. yep, that's what I wanna be. A woman of Integrity.

All these while I have been "bao bei" for many; special friends, people in GSRI, the youths, mom's gank, friends in Kch, tree cell 3, and especially... Mum&Dad. Who on earth who doesn't know that I am a "bao bei" and most beloved of Papa? But... seems that I am really disappointing. Now I'm really unworthy to carry that "bao bei" title on me. I'm sorry Dad.. Mum..

I really want and wish I could visit many people who's meant so much in my life, but I really have no "face" to face them. I'm not ready at all to respond to their "hello, how r u?", "what r u doing now?", "where do you work?", bla3 questions. Name them Ms. Chung (my EIP lecturer 'sister', tree cell, mum's family, ex-lecturers and staffs, ex-classmates...

God.. please strengthen me. Uphold me, my heart, my thoughts, and my feeling in Your embrace. I can't walk alone, I can't go through all these by myself. I know Your way is the best, and it's not by telling me where I'll end up in. But You want to lead me 'step-by-step', that along the journey, I can learn and grow. I know, God... Just... give me that faith.. and TRUST.

The steps

Thu, 8 Feb 2007 (This were typed in notepad last nite, no internet line to publish it)

Hmm... Here you go...Yosefin (dcOptima) called this afternoon and I didn't hear the call, so missed it. When saw the missed call, hesitated to call back. Why? I'm also not sure. Not ready yet 'gua'... Why not ready leh? Hmm... don't know.. I think a bit traumed with so many unclarities, confusions going on these days. Yun, more than 1 year already,huh!? The days with so many "What should I do?, Which way God?, Where should I go?, Where should I be?,..."

Sometimes it was so funny, and sometimes so 'geram'. Many times when I was almost sure to take up a certain decision, then something came up that made me think shouldn't I choose this decision?
Ok, back to the topic ^ ^. Then after a little bit struggle, nervous, not knowing what information she'd bring for me, and by the strength after prayer, called Yosefin, and she said will call me back. Not long, she called; brought me the update of the job I'm going to do.

The main director of the client has signed the 'contract to be'. At first they told me that the only remaining thing before I can start working was just that main director's signature. And now, they were informed that after that signature, it has to go through a "Legislation process". They don't either know what it's all about, and how long it will take, because it's indeed none of their business. It's just the client's side procedure. Now the think is: "I have to wait for another 'unknown' period of time". Suddenly felt so blur, confuse, don't know what to do.. "Oh no... jobless still??"

It's been 2 months since I was jobless. And I have been waiting for the status of this job for more than 1 month. Before, I thought (and told God) that if this' not the 'one' (the job that God wants me to take), then I won't come back to Jakarta (for job-seeking reason). But then they called me up 2 weeks ago, asking me to come, informing me that I would be starting working on February (just for this matter, there was another 'life story' -> the 2 days most struggling time -> Find it in another post-to-come). That's why now I'm here in Jakarta. And now they said that I have to wait AGAIN... Yes, if I'm being jobless, and staying in myown home, with parents there, being busy with church ministries, that'll be much better/acceptable. But here, I'm staying in other's house, that's really a different story. Supposely, if they hadn't been sure that I need to start working, they shouldn't have asked me to come. Then I'd be spending CNY with parents in my 'home' and community back in Skw; I could have accompanying dad who's now alone at home (Mum's in KL); rather than doing nothing here.

I started to guess, "Is there anything that God wants to reveal behind all the process of this job which is full of unclarity, and complexity?" But well, this time is different. I really feel this time I face this confusion with a different heart attitude. Hard to describe. But it's just different, I'm much better than I used to be. I mean, the degree of frustration, stress, is much lower now ^ ^ I just asked God to keep me calm and obey.
But to cancel(quit)? I'm afraid that I will bring trouble to them. Because the application has reached to this status, and it's already up to this stage/process. And another thing, cancel, then what would you do? There's no alternative. Apply for EPEC? But then if the EPEC is approved, and this job requires me to start, then I don't leave for Singapore, the EPEC's cancelled, blacklisted?See... so many cross-junctions :)
Wanted to tell dad and asked for his opinion, but now dad's alone at home. Didn't want to bother him with this. So wait till mum's back this Sunday then plan to called them.

Then slowly, came this thought: 'While waiting for dcOptima's confirmation, why don't I go to Singapore having a short vacation, while having a look, survey, and look for job. See what's gonna happen." Then now this' what I plan (this is what I can think of, God. What do You think?) Monday call Yosefin to ask more info on this job status, how long will I need to wait. Then call mum and dad tell them about the situation, ask for their opinion and tell them about my plan. If they allow, then go to Singapore via Batam. So that mean what should I do? Hm.. starting tomorrow I have to plan for the trip. Which way is the cheapest (Johor, KL, or Batam?). Then check Air Asia's cheapest ticket ;pBut, again... If later in Singapore, I find a job, but at the same time dcOptima also requires me to come back and start working, how leh? How God? haha...

When I was sms-ing with Peng about this, she gave me back the sentence that I've just told her in the morning: "God is never too late, but He's never too fast either" What a wonder God I'm having. Even my friendship, He cares about it. Oh God... I'm really wordless.. And also just now when sms-ing with Peng again about her struggles, I was reminded of myown 'cases' and apply all the encouraging words that was at first destinated to her, to myself. It's really amazing and awesome how God cares on me.

In the midst of confusion, then came these thoughts that made me really full of gratitude.
God, thank You for all these:
- Peace in the midst of confusion
- Unfailing plan
- Refuge and strength right at the time
- Providences that never be too late
- Grace which is new every day
- Peng2 who's always there n never be fed up to listen to me, never give up on me
- People around me; Friends, family who are always there, willing to help. So many ppl I can turn to ask for opinion, help, etc. Sister and brother-in-law who are always be willing and so helpful, send me to interviews, etc.
- Though I've been unemployed for a while, but I never be lacking of anything
- Free accomodation (while looking for job ^^)
- Most importantly: the guarantee of the best that You've provided and gonna reveal to me. Romans 8:28. That no matter how hard, how struggling, how confuse I am now, there's not a big deal about it. Coz I know they are all the best from You, Lord.

God, I know there's nothing happen by coincidence. These are all what "I" could think of. But I know "You" see far beyond all of them. Though now I don't know what, when, and where I'll end up to, but I know that "what, when, and where" are already there.

I Love You! My Wonderful God...

Another one

So... here you come another one, since i'm still here (can't go home coz it's raining).
Guess what... it's 2.45am and i'm still here, in cyber. Well, here goes the story... ;p
There's been quite bad flood all around Jakarta these 3 days. Thank God that our area is ok. However, we are still impacted; it's been black-out for 2 days (today's the 3rd day). Boring days, limited water, especially nite times. I think last nite was its climacs (am i spelling correctly??). After a massal clothes washing, got really really bored, for phone line was also down. Until.. my poor brother-in-law's brother who's having exam tomorrow morning and couldn't study because of the black-out insisted me to come to this cyber by the 9 hours package (Rp 10,000 for 9pm-6am... cheap,huh?!). Well.that's because i'm the only one who can accompany him (the only unemployed). So.. that's how i appear here. It's good, though, so that i have access and time to manage my newly created blog, as well as to 'visit' David's and Deni's blog, and... SOP's BBS that i've left for ages... Huge amount of posts that i might have to catch up.. but well... for those who know me.. it's alrite for me for the cases on which i have great passion on :) Well.. it's another great 'providence' from God. Recently, been reading the book 'Step By Step', and got really blessed by it (hm.. supposed to be 'by its author' hihi...)
--> God, have mercy on Jakarta, Indonesia..

First post nich yee...

Here you come... A very first post from me :)
Got this idea to 'blogging' when first time visited SOP's blog. Well.. you've gotta have a blog in order to be able to contribute (commenting) in the blog. But couldn't think of a good and meaningful 'title' for my blog at that time, so it remained 'pending'.
Then when told by Deni bout her blog, then decided that I really have to make it into reality,haha... Ermm..Can't remember when it was exactly, but only now manage to post my first blog. Just be patient... More to come... ;p (plannings are going on in my head already,hahaha...)