Btw, Michael Jackson died today (last night, I think) of cardiac arrest (heart attack). Well.. I'm not a big fan of him.. but it's indeed a big shock for the world.
Good bye, MJ! (1958 - 2009)
Friday, June 26, 2009
My current heart condition...
I'm trying very hard to find a word to describe my condition n feeling right now, my frustration... But... Just dunno what the word is..
Wu liao? no.. helpless? no.. clueless? not really.. wu... (dunno what).
It's a situation where I know and realize clearly that where I am at now is not where I'm supposed to be; what I'm doing now is not what I'm supposed to do.. I Know it's all wrong, but yet I dunno where else I can be, what else I can do.. which is really where and what I'm supposed to...
(Know it's not right, but yet dunno what's the right one.. Yeah!!! That is it! But what's the one word???)
It's a very mao dun and uneasy feel... My heart is hao lei hao lei... God, help...
Wu liao? no.. helpless? no.. clueless? not really.. wu... (dunno what).
It's a situation where I know and realize clearly that where I am at now is not where I'm supposed to be; what I'm doing now is not what I'm supposed to do.. I Know it's all wrong, but yet I dunno where else I can be, what else I can do.. which is really where and what I'm supposed to...
(Know it's not right, but yet dunno what's the right one.. Yeah!!! That is it! But what's the one word???)
It's a very mao dun and uneasy feel... My heart is hao lei hao lei... God, help...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
An 'an wei' from God...
Supposed to meet Jacinta @ our regular meeting place, Food for Thought.
8pm arrived there, couldn't find Jacinta, so I walked out and trying to call. Then saw Jacinta approacing. And... of my surprise, there she brought a nice basket containing a pack of bread, jam, 2 bottles of orange juice and a pack of instant coffee coconut latte. "This is for you, as an encouragement, coz you are so stress lately". Awww... it's the sweetest gift I've ever had...
Not only this, but the whole meeting and conversation tonite had really blessed n encouraged me so much. Thank You, God.. for reminding me that I'm so blessed. I really feel that I'm such a blessed and xing fu person. Feel so encouraged and cheered up. What a blessing, encouraging and cheering up meeting, listening to all positive blessings stuff really make my day different and cast away all my tiredness.. I could really feel that it's a comfort / 'an wei' directly from God... Felt sooo touched and gan dong, but more to God. Thank You, my precious God... thank you, Jac...
8pm arrived there, couldn't find Jacinta, so I walked out and trying to call. Then saw Jacinta approacing. And... of my surprise, there she brought a nice basket containing a pack of bread, jam, 2 bottles of orange juice and a pack of instant coffee coconut latte. "This is for you, as an encouragement, coz you are so stress lately". Awww... it's the sweetest gift I've ever had...
Not only this, but the whole meeting and conversation tonite had really blessed n encouraged me so much. Thank You, God.. for reminding me that I'm so blessed. I really feel that I'm such a blessed and xing fu person. Feel so encouraged and cheered up. What a blessing, encouraging and cheering up meeting, listening to all positive blessings stuff really make my day different and cast away all my tiredness.. I could really feel that it's a comfort / 'an wei' directly from God... Felt sooo touched and gan dong, but more to God. Thank You, my precious God... thank you, Jac...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Significance Crisis
I really don't know how to describe... this feeling...
Meaningless... don't know where and what the value is... don't know for what (wai co me cek?)...
Well, it has actually been an ongoing, unsolved issue of my life all this while, ever since I stepped into working life, to be exact. It's just that sometimes it overwhelmes badly, and sometimes it's just there, existing, but not disturbing. Few months after being in Singapore, didn't really feel it badly anymore, but well... don't get me wrong, it's not solved yet, it's not that I have found the meaning/purpose/watever you call it, it's not that I've finally found what I want, finally found where I'm supposed to be... no... it's not that... not at all! But I guess, it's more because I've got a stabil job, income, can support my life well, enough in everything, and can do a little bit for parents/family, etc. If I'm to refer to the "Three Transitions in Life We all should Make by Mark Pfeifer" (sent by Joy), I'll say that's my 'Security' stage. So I was just simply living day by day, being frustrated with time that flies, seeing helplessly my day gone one by one without I being able to fill it with any essential/meaningful thing, meeting people, routines, so on and so on... with the feel of "meaningless" being tried to be put aside, ignored. But, the fact is, it's still there, unsolved.
If you ask me, "Am I happy?", "No, I am not!" When was the last time I being happy? I don't know... There are still a lot of things that I cannot describe, and I really feel that my insight, my person (character wise) has really worsen.
When being faced with the question "Is life I'm living the race that God's called me to run?" on the first night of Young Adult Camp, I once again realize that it's not. I'm not running in the race at all... I'm just walking for the sake of keeping myself moving (making my life), without direction... and I know, I've got homework to do after the camp, to really ask God what's the race He calls me to and to obey to run it faithfully.
This two weeks had been quite a momentous period. It's hard. Last week (just after the camp) had been a very stressful, most pressuring week at work, till a point, on one night I just got soo troubled, restless, couldn't sleep, etc. But on the weekend, I told myself, I had to use that weekend to really find rest in God, draw back to Him, and yeah... I got rid of those stress. Just before I ended the weekend, I decided that the coming week (which is this week) will never gonna be the same. I don't want to be so easily overwhelmed by the stress at work and let it affect my whole life for the rest of the day. Yeah, thank God, it works...
But this two mornings (yesterday and today), while walking to MRT, I've been having this "don't want to be far from Pa and Mi" badly... I kept on thinking, I want to be with them, live together with them, being with them and seeing them everyday, being near to them... but how??? and this "wai co me cek?" just repeat and repeat itself in my mind.
And this afternoon, in midst of work, I just suddenly once again felt very down about my job (not even a career). I really need a job that I can feel that I'm doing something meaningful, and the regret of not ending up studying medicine and being a doctor just overwhelmed me again.
God, I'm really having a big issue of value, significance, meaning, and life purpose. Very 'tong ku'.
I can only keep praying, "God, if this is not the way, please reveal to me the way I should go on..." God... help me...
Meaningless... don't know where and what the value is... don't know for what (wai co me cek?)...
Well, it has actually been an ongoing, unsolved issue of my life all this while, ever since I stepped into working life, to be exact. It's just that sometimes it overwhelmes badly, and sometimes it's just there, existing, but not disturbing. Few months after being in Singapore, didn't really feel it badly anymore, but well... don't get me wrong, it's not solved yet, it's not that I have found the meaning/purpose/watever you call it, it's not that I've finally found what I want, finally found where I'm supposed to be... no... it's not that... not at all! But I guess, it's more because I've got a stabil job, income, can support my life well, enough in everything, and can do a little bit for parents/family, etc. If I'm to refer to the "Three Transitions in Life We all should Make by Mark Pfeifer" (sent by Joy), I'll say that's my 'Security' stage. So I was just simply living day by day, being frustrated with time that flies, seeing helplessly my day gone one by one without I being able to fill it with any essential/meaningful thing, meeting people, routines, so on and so on... with the feel of "meaningless" being tried to be put aside, ignored. But, the fact is, it's still there, unsolved.
If you ask me, "Am I happy?", "No, I am not!" When was the last time I being happy? I don't know... There are still a lot of things that I cannot describe, and I really feel that my insight, my person (character wise) has really worsen.
When being faced with the question "Is life I'm living the race that God's called me to run?" on the first night of Young Adult Camp, I once again realize that it's not. I'm not running in the race at all... I'm just walking for the sake of keeping myself moving (making my life), without direction... and I know, I've got homework to do after the camp, to really ask God what's the race He calls me to and to obey to run it faithfully.
This two weeks had been quite a momentous period. It's hard. Last week (just after the camp) had been a very stressful, most pressuring week at work, till a point, on one night I just got soo troubled, restless, couldn't sleep, etc. But on the weekend, I told myself, I had to use that weekend to really find rest in God, draw back to Him, and yeah... I got rid of those stress. Just before I ended the weekend, I decided that the coming week (which is this week) will never gonna be the same. I don't want to be so easily overwhelmed by the stress at work and let it affect my whole life for the rest of the day. Yeah, thank God, it works...
But this two mornings (yesterday and today), while walking to MRT, I've been having this "don't want to be far from Pa and Mi" badly... I kept on thinking, I want to be with them, live together with them, being with them and seeing them everyday, being near to them... but how??? and this "wai co me cek?" just repeat and repeat itself in my mind.
And this afternoon, in midst of work, I just suddenly once again felt very down about my job (not even a career). I really need a job that I can feel that I'm doing something meaningful, and the regret of not ending up studying medicine and being a doctor just overwhelmed me again.
God, I'm really having a big issue of value, significance, meaning, and life purpose. Very 'tong ku'.
I can only keep praying, "God, if this is not the way, please reveal to me the way I should go on..." God... help me...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)