I'm sorry, God...

Feeling such a failure.. I mean, as a Christian who's supposed to make people see Christ, as a servant of God who's supposed to represent God and His love in this world. Feeling teribly lousy... feel 'kui cian le Shang Di', feel unworthy to serve.. I mean, what's the meaning I serve God here and there, busy here and there, but people don't like you, people see you as a hypocrite.. isn't it worse? Oh.. I'm sorry God, if I've shamed Your name..
But I also don't want to let this feeling hinder me from serving the Lord, if it's only me who's too sensitive, 'xiang tai duo'.

But God, if it is, it is true that I've been a stumbling block for people surrounding me, I am sorry, God.. forgive me.. and help me and teach me, change me, transform me into being like You more each day, that others may see You in me, to be of a good testimony. My character, yes, my character to be a spirit-led temperament and character.

Pls remove my unpeacefullness, God... Yes, whether I'm worthy or not to serve You, it's not justified or determined by people and how they look at me. It is Yo, Lord... Because I'm righteous not because of what I've done, but because You made me so, tho I don't deserve to be. So consecrate me, help me be holy, worthy of God's servant. Help me to stay focused on You, holding and seeing loosely all others' opinion, but holding tightly only onto You, loving You more, pray more, worship more, read bible more, thirst after You more, serve You more, obey You more, share Gospel more!

Up to this point, I guess, I kinda get what God wants me to focus more at in regards with my life: My Worship Life! A whole life worship. Not only in music and songs, but in every aspect of my life, worshipping God, behaving as a God's worshipper. Romans 12:1-2. Have Your mercy on me, once again Lord, would You??

Help me, Lord.. not to 'zai hu' that people dun understand my 'xin yi', dun appreciate, and even many times misunderstand me. Because You know... yes, this 'wei qu' You know, this lonely struggle You know, how hard I've tried to love them, You know, how I did all I did only because I love them, because I care for them, You know... so, I'm gonna say, It's okay...

Zhu, wo yao... Breakthrough... Revival...

Ohh.. from deep within, I really realize that I've lost the fire, the passion, the 'heart for God', the heart that cries for His kingdom sake, yeah.. that desperateness for God's work to be done...

God.. I yield to You, "Zhu.. wo yao ni de fu xin lai dao wo shen ming zhong... Zai ci fu xin wo, ying dao wo, si yong wo.. zai ci shi xia ni en dian, lian ming..."

我高舉雙手 - I Give You My All

This song, once again is very relevant to 'xian zai de wo'. Actually, it has always been describing about me.
These few days, have always been thinking (on the way to work, early morning in bus 506): I don't love God enough as yet.. I really long to have the very close and intimate relationship with God, being and living kind of life that's pleasing in His heart, from inside out, but.. I am still struggling and 'striving' so hard with it.
I haven't prayed enough, haven't loved enough, haven't read Bible enough, haven't obeyed enough, haven't lived His will.. No... it's just too far from 'there'. I am not yet a God's lover, or a devoted Christian..

And once again.. I asked God to help me..

God.. forgive me.. and help me be.. help me be... I want to repent.. Repent from my disobedience, from my self-centeredness, from not 'zhuan xin' towards You.

Here's the song:

我高舉雙手
I Give You My All
詞：謝秉哲 Eric Hsieh 曲：游智婷 Sandy Yu
English Translation: SOP & John Liu

我攤開我的雙手
How can I give You a gift
想要給甚麼
That’s worthy of my King
卻一無所有
When all I have is Yours?
我獻上我的身體
How can I give You my life
想報答甚麼
To glorify Your name?
可是卻虧欠那麼多
When my life is weak, You are strong
主卻用溫柔雙手
But You cover me with perfect love
抬起我的頭
Speak the words of peace
輕輕對我說 恩典夠我用
In my weakness, Your grace is enough

﹝副歌﹞
我高舉雙手 觸摸的手
I give You my all, give my everything
倒空生命 只願愛更多
Humble myself to worship You my King
我高舉雙手 願觸摸的手
I give You my all, I give my everything
定睛仰望十架 成我力量
Before Your glory, before my King

Copyright 2009 Stream of Praise Music. CCLI# 5482553
讚美之泉版權所有﹝ 不要放棄 •滿有能力﹞ 我高舉雙手

Looong delayed projects.. *pai seh face*

2010 MUST:
- Piano
- Mandarin
- SOP's Pin Yin Blog
- Finish compile Duane's

Blue Christmas

Have been feeling blue since that saturday night weird sad dream. Have been quite tired recently. But usually, though tired, but if it's due to the busy-ness of practise etc I would still be so energetic. This time is a bit different, veryyy tired.. may be because now older already also lol.. Was really very tired on Sunday, and I think partly because of the dream also that affect my mood, haha.. 'kam tou tak?"

Today, feeling as if as Christmas is nearer, the feeling is even 'bluer', lost in the crowd.

I told God, "God, I don't know why and what kind of feeling is this, but would you remove this and replace it with the joy and peace which is from You, which despites of circumstances?

And, this song meant a lot to me (sang in last Sunday worship) and made me ponder my ups and downs, lonely struggles, and tears that no-one knows throughout this year. For me, the greatest meaning of Christmas this year is: He is with me. Thank You, Jesus...

Intro: Bb Dm7 Eb F
Verse 1:Bb Dm7 Eb FsusTogether in this place of worship Your greatness we proclaim.Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus FWe stand as one in giving You all glory and aclaim.
Prechorus 1: Gm7 Bb CTo You our hearts are open, F Bbto You our hands we raise. Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FCome take the place of honour in our lives.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God.
(x2)Instrumental: Eb F Eb FVerse 2:Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus See the praises of our Saviour rise to open skies.Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus F With the dawning of redemption, Your glory will arise.
Prechorus 2: Gm7 Bb C For You alone are worthy, here inF BbZion You are praised. Our Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FLord and King forever You will reign.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God. (x2)
Coda: Eb F Eb Fsus Eb F Eb Fsus
Prechorus 1: Gm7 Bb CTo You our hearts are open, F Bbto You our hands we raise. Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FCome take the place of honour in our lives.
Prechorus 2: Gm7 Bb C For You alone are worthy, here inF BbZion You are praised. Our Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FLord and King forever You will reign.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God. (x6)

Disappointed... (Be good?)

So last nite I was very very disappointed by some friend. Despite all my care and being 'sui bian' and all my effort to never say no to help to hers (which most of the time involved sacrifice of time, energy, convenience, money), when I sort of need her help, she easily without hesitate confidently answered, "eehh... I don't want ee... why do i have to...". I tell you, right at that moment, my heart went cold. I mean, the situation was not even certain, it's not even certain that I will need that help. It's only a "if needed" scenario, she just without even thinking, gave me such a respond. In my heart I thought, do I still need to be good to her?

But after I went to my room and ponder upon our conversation and on how my heart reacted to it, it was actually quite a small matter, but dunno why I was really very disturbed and troubled. I could sense it's kinda a trial. It's like, see... people are naturally so selfish and dun care of your needs. Well, they may be very kind and good sometimes, but when it comes to a point that they may need to sacrifice in order to help, that's totally a different story you'll get already. Now, will you still be kind and sacrifice for others?
Oh.. I tell you, I really struggled very hard to tell myself to stop thinking about it (negatively), asking God to prevent me from being affected by it. I guess it was that bad partly because it's a mix of worry and disappointment. I tried very hard to trust God, really... that He'll not let me suffer and will make ways for me. And I realized how lacking of faith I am.

Oh God... forgive me for all my negative thoughts, thoughts to "dun care / boh chap / selfish", and my worrisome. Help me, God... to trust in You, have more faith in You. And I need you to make a way for me (in term of 'that')

Well, I guess the scenario is this:
Yes, when you are doing good to people, at that point of time you were really doing it without expectation of return. But it is when it's your turn needing their help, needing them to be considerate and "wei ni zhao xiang" and the respond that they give is "who cares..." (though not exactly that term, but their answer, action, attitude all represent that), then you'll start comparing all that you've ever done to them and what they do to you in return, and very tempted to feel and say in your heart, "shuan le... what for being so good to others when others only care of themselves? Just care of myself!".

But yeah.. as I mentioned earlier, I did struggle very much not to think this way, and I was reminded of this verse:

And I really hope that this won't affect me and my heart thus causing me to be selfish, self-centered, calculative etc. Be good, kind, generous to others and always wei bie ren zhao xiang no matter what! Do that because Jesus had done so before, because He's still doing that to me even til now, because I love Jesus so I love others, because God will bless me in many other ways. Yeah... it's all about Him, not about me! And yeah.. I really need to know God more and deeper, walk close to Him and know Him in such a way when such thing occur to me again, I can truly say "It doesn't matter.. It's okay" with peace and joy in my heart. By Your grace, Lord...