So last nite I was very very disappointed by some friend. Despite all my care and being 'sui bian' and all my effort to never say no to help to hers (which most of the time involved sacrifice of time, energy, convenience, money), when I sort of need her help, she easily without hesitate confidently answered, "eehh... I don't want ee... why do i have to...". I tell you, right at that moment, my heart went cold. I mean, the situation was not even certain, it's not even certain that I will need that help. It's only a "if needed" scenario, she just without even thinking, gave me such a respond. In my heart I thought, do I still need to be good to her?
But after I went to my room and ponder upon our conversation and on how my heart reacted to it, it was actually quite a small matter, but dunno why I was really very disturbed and troubled. I could sense it's kinda a trial. It's like, see... people are naturally so selfish and dun care of your needs. Well, they may be very kind and good sometimes, but when it comes to a point that they may need to sacrifice in order to help, that's totally a different story you'll get already. Now, will you still be kind and sacrifice for others?
Oh.. I tell you, I really struggled very hard to tell myself to stop thinking about it (negatively), asking God to prevent me from being affected by it. I guess it was that bad partly because it's a mix of worry and disappointment. I tried very hard to trust God, really... that He'll not let me suffer and will make ways for me. And I realized how lacking of faith I am.
Oh God... forgive me for all my negative thoughts, thoughts to "dun care / boh chap / selfish", and my worrisome. Help me, God... to trust in You, have more faith in You. And I need you to make a way for me (in term of 'that')
Well, I guess the scenario is this:
Yes, when you are doing good to people, at that point of time you were really doing it without expectation of return. But it is when it's your turn needing their help, needing them to be considerate and "wei ni zhao xiang" and the respond that they give is "who cares..." (though not exactly that term, but their answer, action, attitude all represent that), then you'll start comparing all that you've ever done to them and what they do to you in return, and very tempted to feel and say in your heart, "shuan le... what for being so good to others when others only care of themselves? Just care of myself!".
But yeah.. as I mentioned earlier, I did struggle very much not to think this way, and I was reminded of this verse:
And I really hope that this won't affect me and my heart thus causing me to be selfish, self-centered, calculative etc. Be good, kind, generous to others and always wei bie ren zhao xiang no matter what! Do that because Jesus had done so before, because He's still doing that to me even til now, because I love Jesus so I love others, because God will bless me in many other ways. Yeah... it's all about Him, not about me! And yeah.. I really need to know God more and deeper, walk close to Him and know Him in such a way when such thing occur to me again, I can truly say "It doesn't matter.. It's okay" with peace and joy in my heart. By Your grace, Lord...
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