Blue Christmas

Have been feeling blue since that saturday night weird sad dream. Have been quite tired recently. But usually, though tired, but if it's due to the busy-ness of practise etc I would still be so energetic. This time is a bit different, veryyy tired.. may be because now older already also lol.. Was really very tired on Sunday, and I think partly because of the dream also that affect my mood, haha.. 'kam tou tak?"

Today, feeling as if as Christmas is nearer, the feeling is even 'bluer', lost in the crowd.

I told God, "God, I don't know why and what kind of feeling is this, but would you remove this and replace it with the joy and peace which is from You, which despites of circumstances?

And, this song meant a lot to me (sang in last Sunday worship) and made me ponder my ups and downs, lonely struggles, and tears that no-one knows throughout this year. For me, the greatest meaning of Christmas this year is: He is with me. Thank You, Jesus...

Intro: Bb Dm7 Eb F
Verse 1:Bb Dm7 Eb FsusTogether in this place of worship Your greatness we proclaim.Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus FWe stand as one in giving You all glory and aclaim.
Prechorus 1: Gm7 Bb CTo You our hearts are open, F Bbto You our hands we raise. Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FCome take the place of honour in our lives.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God.
(x2)Instrumental: Eb F Eb FVerse 2:Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus See the praises of our Saviour rise to open skies.Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus F With the dawning of redemption, Your glory will arise.
Prechorus 2: Gm7 Bb C For You alone are worthy, here inF BbZion You are praised. Our Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FLord and King forever You will reign.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God. (x2)
Coda: Eb F Eb Fsus Eb F Eb Fsus
Prechorus 1: Gm7 Bb CTo You our hearts are open, F Bbto You our hands we raise. Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FCome take the place of honour in our lives.
Prechorus 2: Gm7 Bb C For You alone are worthy, here inF BbZion You are praised. Our Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FLord and King forever You will reign.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God. (x6)

Disappointed... (Be good?)

So last nite I was very very disappointed by some friend. Despite all my care and being 'sui bian' and all my effort to never say no to help to hers (which most of the time involved sacrifice of time, energy, convenience, money), when I sort of need her help, she easily without hesitate confidently answered, "eehh... I don't want ee... why do i have to...". I tell you, right at that moment, my heart went cold. I mean, the situation was not even certain, it's not even certain that I will need that help. It's only a "if needed" scenario, she just without even thinking, gave me such a respond. In my heart I thought, do I still need to be good to her?

But after I went to my room and ponder upon our conversation and on how my heart reacted to it, it was actually quite a small matter, but dunno why I was really very disturbed and troubled. I could sense it's kinda a trial. It's like, see... people are naturally so selfish and dun care of your needs. Well, they may be very kind and good sometimes, but when it comes to a point that they may need to sacrifice in order to help, that's totally a different story you'll get already. Now, will you still be kind and sacrifice for others?
Oh.. I tell you, I really struggled very hard to tell myself to stop thinking about it (negatively), asking God to prevent me from being affected by it. I guess it was that bad partly because it's a mix of worry and disappointment. I tried very hard to trust God, really... that He'll not let me suffer and will make ways for me. And I realized how lacking of faith I am.

Oh God... forgive me for all my negative thoughts, thoughts to "dun care / boh chap / selfish", and my worrisome. Help me, God... to trust in You, have more faith in You. And I need you to make a way for me (in term of 'that')

Well, I guess the scenario is this:
Yes, when you are doing good to people, at that point of time you were really doing it without expectation of return. But it is when it's your turn needing their help, needing them to be considerate and "wei ni zhao xiang" and the respond that they give is "who cares..." (though not exactly that term, but their answer, action, attitude all represent that), then you'll start comparing all that you've ever done to them and what they do to you in return, and very tempted to feel and say in your heart, "shuan le... what for being so good to others when others only care of themselves? Just care of myself!".

But yeah.. as I mentioned earlier, I did struggle very much not to think this way, and I was reminded of this verse:

And I really hope that this won't affect me and my heart thus causing me to be selfish, self-centered, calculative etc. Be good, kind, generous to others and always wei bie ren zhao xiang no matter what! Do that because Jesus had done so before, because He's still doing that to me even til now, because I love Jesus so I love others, because God will bless me in many other ways. Yeah... it's all about Him, not about me! And yeah.. I really need to know God more and deeper, walk close to Him and know Him in such a way when such thing occur to me again, I can truly say "It doesn't matter.. It's okay" with peace and joy in my heart. By Your grace, Lord...

Make a Certain Breakthrough

And I, speechlessly wept during this song in Sunday service yesterday...

Make A Certain Breakthrough© Ann Chan & Ruth Ling 2006

Verse 1
In my life of searching for the plain and simple way,
Many paths were so winding, the roads were never straight,
Then the Spirit of God broke through and healed my broken wings,
And showed me the way into His heart

Chorus
And I know that God is leading in a clear and certain way,
My one life for your purpose, Jesus, I offer up this day,
To follow you completely, to do all that you say,
Cleanse my life, fill me up, And use me this day,
Make a certain breakthrough, Make it today

Verse 2
In these days of danger, Lord, we rest upon Your grace,
With Your tender and skillful hands, You shape this stubborn clay,
Yes You calm my inmost being, giving courage to hope again,
And to build this one life in power and faith

Lonely..

And btw, I am feeling so lonely now..
It has been really a while when I live by myself (except from God). No one to turn to.. and now when I want to change job, no one to tell to, no one to discuss with..

CBTL 2009

So, last nite was my first time on BBTC's stage, singing with the choir in Come Bless The Lord 2009 - Behold, the King is coming!
It was great...! Told myself to just give my best for GGod, that's the only chance, no time for pai seh or anything else... This privilege deserves only "the best"

Thank You, God.. for the privilege to serve You... even when I so undeserve..

Hectic work weeks

*Started typing this on last Thursday, but didn't manage to finish and post. I'm gonna continue now :)
So I was and am still really thankful for what God's done in me while nobody else kno how stressful and troubled I was during this 2 week. But one thing I learn, though situation is still bad, you can always see God's favor and grace in midst if you choose to set your eyes on them and really acknowledge them.
2 weeks full of my heart yielding to God. Hectic weeks with not only bunch of works delayed previously by XXX's staff and then, when some incident happened, out of their panic, thrown to us to complete, but also pressure from here and there and requests from boss for statistics and records for them to defend before XXX. Stress! That's how I was during those days.
What made me frustrated and fed-up the most is the people from XXX whom I have to deal with. Cowards and double-headed snakes.
Today kinda back to normal. I can more peacefully do my work, scheduling, reporting, doing quotation as per normal. NExt week need to go to XXX to meet those 'childish' people to see their requirement to amend my records in such a way that they can keep track of the faults easily, which I thought is actually their job. What to do? we are a contractor, and they are our act-'king' client.
Despite that I still sin and compromised, when I thought I didn't deserve to receive His favor, He still poured His favor on me. And throughout the 2 weeks of hectic, I could really feel that He was with me. This is what I want to focus at. I am really very thankful that my bosses and Maz, my supervisor, are so understanding and didn't put the blame on me. It is again, ONLY BY GOD'S GRACE.My gratefulness to God made me said this, "I really have to be more radical for Him.. living only for Him"
After all the hectic, I told myself... well... whatever it is.. even if have to be mis-estimated, etc... Don't care so much.. just do my best..
But honestly, I'm kinda unmotivated now... While all those happen, I alwez thought that may be it was something to trigger me to feel the urgency to hunt for a new job, haha..
Note: XXX = name of our client that I'm gonna hide here ^^

My heart

I sometimes like to type my post in a notepad first then copy and paste it to the blog. And just now when I was clearing my 'private' folder in office computer suddenly I found this post that I forgot to post, haha.. I think it was typed on 2 Oct 09.

Dunno why but today I'm really soo overwhelmed by all that's going on in the world recently... the disaster after disaster... Taiwan, Phillipines, Vietnam, Cambodia and especially now, Padang, Indonesia.It's even very hard for me to concentrate on my work today, and feeling soo down.
This time, not only my heart hurts seeing those who suffer, especially the children who lost everything everyone, stood on the road, surrounded by the ruins, under the rain not knowing what to do where to go, but also my heart is troubled. Troubled of the fact that it is so near already.
During the last sessions of DTC class, we had been talking about sharing the gospel, and we are 'required' to intentionally share gospel with at least 2 people before graduating from the course. High Quest is also about sharing the Gospel. And, CBTL is about the second coming of the Lord as King. These all are really wrapped up by the disasters that happen in one month. I guess this is the first time I felt such a strong feeling of urgency to chuan fu ying and feeling very helpless. I even thought if I should stop all my self-achievement aiming, stop working, to fully serve the Lord, helping people, bringing people to Christ.Acchh... if only I have enough courage to decide so..
But anyway, God.. pls do not let this compassion dim and help me know and obey whatever we can do for now.