Revelation

All this while, everytime I was about to pray for Ko, I always be speechless, not knowing how to pray... And suddenly, last Friday nite (19 Dec 08), when I was about to pray, I was very sure that it was a revelation from God, I just knew that God wanted me to pray for this: "That God gives Papa, Mommy, myself, Cuce (my sis in law), Jia Ling (my sis), Indra (my bro in law), Saintly, Gracy, Andrew, and Joyce LOVE to love, accept, uphold, support, and encourage koko that he has the second chance". That was really a wonderful moment. I had spent the whole night, after getting home, til about 1.30am cleaning my house stuff, but at that moment, not to mention tired, I was full-of-spirit to pray, and mentioned them by name. Just in seconds, I was overwhelmed, in tears, and in presence of God. So, I'm really sure that's God's revelation, not my thought, or feeling.


So I quickly typed my sms about this and saved into draft (because it was too late to send sms to the whole of my family).
The next morning, once I woke up, I sent the message to Pa, Jie, and So. I got an encouraging respond from Pa saying that he extremely agree with me, that he wants to show love to Ko, and see Ko as someone who's been changed by God.

The next day, we watched a drama "Blood Brothers" by BBTC, which also talked about "second chance". It was an amazingly transforming drama, well acted and was full of anointing. During the whole drama, I kept thinking of Ko... He needs to know that he still have second chance, that he's still being loved, that he still have hope, that he still can be changed and change, that God still love him much.

After that Fri and Sat, I kept on thinking of Ko. I kept on feeling very sad for him. I could feel that actually he also feels very helpless about himself. I think it could've been many times that he also didn't like the way he is, he also wanted to change, wanted to be good but he just failed and failed, until he gave up and felt that there's nothing he can do about it anymore, so just let it be... (These are all what I thought have been felt by ko all this while, but this time the feeling is very strong, as if it's true... so, I'll take it as something that God puts in me to help me understand ko from his hardship, to see him as someone who needs help, not to be condemned). So I kept on praying that God will let him know that he is still being loved by God and us, that he still have hope, and that he needs God, to rely on God.

And yeah... my mission during this time going home for Chinese New Year is to love, love and love him... Love you, Ko... God, I need you, your love...

Merry Christmas...

Holiday, not in office, means no internet. So, I'd better clear up everything that I wanna do which requires internet connection.

So... Merry Christmas, Jia Yun.. (haha... don't think there's anyone out there reading my blog, so I'm the only reader).

Today work half-day, 7 more minutes then I can leave office. But still not knowing what to do after this. How to celebrate my 1st Christmas in Singapore. (Had been thinking about it since a month ago, and been thinking hard since last night, but still haven't manage to get any idea, hm...). Feel a bit blue, or lonely, or weird? ... err bit hard to describe. May be just "bu xi guan" bah... All this while, Christmas had been meaning "church events, ministries" (back at homechurch in Singkawang), and even past 2 years, though I was not in Skw, 2006 was in Jakarta, was busy with our cellgroups' Pantomim, 2007 in Kuching Ling Liang Church, arranging the program for the celebration (was a exhausting and frustrating one, but meaningful).

This year, suddenly become an 'idle' year for me, haha... I love the Christmas atmosphere here, though... Orchard Road.. yeah... I like it... The joyous season is really felt everywhere.. with the lightings, decorations, musics, carol floats everywhere.. wewwwhh... was there with Den, Pho, Julianto, Wayan, Silvy last Saturday.
But just... yeah... next year need to be 'busier', haha...

But anyway, thank You Father for this year... I can fully enjoy myself, in a country which has fabulous Christmas, and most importantly, all the abundant graces that You've been supplying me with along the year.

I miss home, miss Papa and Mommy... But I know, they are close in my heart, and so am I, close in their hearts. (This early in the morning, once I woke up, already received a Christmas wish sms from Pa ^^)

Ok... after this, I'll go home first, rest for a while, then go out to get Deni's birthday present (may be with Tony), then at night will be at Orchard Road with Rachel and Julianto.

Merry Christmas....

And new year resolution?? hm.. God... please show me Your revelation ^^

Bao Bei,
Jia Yun

"Stepping Out"

(Wrote this in my notebook on 21 Nov '08 10.43am @ Office while drawing Site Plan ^^)

I'm so glad and thank God that in this work, I can listen to music/sermon/testimonial (thru GoodTV). So, my soul is being filled too while I'm working.But don't worry... I still can concentrate with my work well, hehe... so I didn't "snake" oh... Except if I suddenly have some thoughts, then I'll quickly write it down lor (just like now, haha...)

Well, the point is: It feels really good. Having your spirit being filled and fed is really good.

But, that's not the main purpose I write this. What then? Well.. I listened to the song "Stepping Out" (by. Frank Cheng - SOP) just now. Then that burden in my heart to serve full-time was there again (just like many other times). Then it came to my mind, all these while I've always been desiring to serve full-timely, but I just hesitate to go to Seminary. I said in my heart: God, I want to go full time. But I don't want to be bonded by any structure. Especially like those church with sceptic rules and regulations on doctrines. Well, it's good in term of keeping the unity within the church, but I think my calling is not there.Hm, is it a revelation of solution for me to take up the respond to the calling? Freelance? But how...? But... is this alright? I mean, my attitude of not wanting to be bonded, especially the doctrine principle, is it alright? or is it the act of my rebelliousness that always want to be free and just following what I myself want?I just feel somehow it's difficult to work under 1 extreme doctrine. Well, may be because I still don't want to stand on 1 extreme denomination: charismatic/evangelical. So, somehow I'll feel: "I can't accept charismatic fully, but when I'm in Evangelical, somehow I feel a bit being bonded to do certain things, or being not free when I want to do something.

But God, here I am... Let it be Your way :)

Ooopss... (correction for "year-end bonus"

Hehe.. paiseh... I've misunderstood. About the year-end bonus, I've just known that it was not a year-end bonus, but a pro-rated 13th month salary for me, haha... Because I haven't worked here for 12 mths, so I thought I was not entitled with the 13th mth salary. The bonus will come next year, after all the company's account closing's settled. So... let's wait and see... :D

Lucky Draw ^^

Last nite we had a company casual Bowling, Karaoke & Dinner night, at SAFRA Mount Faber. Quite a nice place, more than I expected :) And guess what... I won the 13th lucky draw prize ($50),haha... If i'm not mistaken, that would be my 1st time winning a lucky draw prize, haha.. and oh ya.. it was my first time bowling too.

Bowling...

Here's my happy face...

Singing "Hero" ^^

My boss, Mr. Fong Ah Kiew & wife

My boss, Mr. Tony Foo & wife

Drawing of the Lucky Draw 1st prize by baby Irfan.. so sweet ^^
And here's the recipient, with her son
I'm so glad that Cheng Cheng got it. A tough single mother whom we all love. And, it was her son's (A Shan) birthday.

God... You love them, I know. I love them too..

Year-end bonus

Today I received my payslip. While everybody was talking about bonus, I was not that excited to open my envelope. Besides I haven't worked here for 1 year, my status is 'contracted staff' which means it's not compulsory for the company to give me bonus. Especially during this recession time, when companies are not doing very well, if they were to omit year-end bonus, of course I would be the first one to be omitted. What a negative and pesimist thought, huh?

But... I got it... yeah.. I received year-end bonus from ATS Traffic Pte Ltd. I was so happy... thankful... I was so touched by God's goodness, by His sweet Christmas gift.. Thank You, Father... I'm really happy...

(Honestly, though this is my 3rd full time job, but this is my first time having year-end bonus)

Raining day... home alone...

I like rain... :) And it has been raining for the whole day on Sunday, 14 December 2008, felt so good...

After being so busy with MHS preparation, especially the previous Friday and Saturday, on Sunday, after church service, we (Deni and I) went for a quick and simple lunch at Bedok Interchange, and went home straight. Had a very nice, sound, and lovely sleep, partly because of the weather too, I guess :)

Then woke up at about 7pm. Was home alone because Deni had gone off to work. It was still drizzling, and I had a 'very hard to put in word' feeling. Lonely, I guess, was hoping that I had someone to sweetly talk to in such a weather. But it was ok.. really.. I then had a very calm quiet time talking to God about my longing for ministry.

And here's 2 shots to mark the day... :)

Anyway.. I love that day ^^

Yi han..

25/11/08 10:11am

Listening to Betty's family recording for their mum during Mother's day. I feel like doing this for mum too,3 of us + the grandchildren. But just like many other times, whenever I thought of doing something for Dad & Mum, there'll always this "yi han" in my deepest heart: Koko! Everytime, I look at other's family who are so loving and close to each other, my heart would just be overwhelmed, weep. Yes, every single time, I'd just so admire them, and that to happen in my family. Actually it's not impossible for my family, only if Koko's changed.

Sometimes I really wonder what made him like that. I asked God many times, but no answer yet.

Does he hate Dad & Mum? If so, God, How's the reconciliation need to be? I believe! I believe there's nothing impossible for You. I know You are able to change him, in the way that we'd have never thought of. But one thing I ask... may that happen while Dad & Mum are still around, give Your faithful servants a chance to witness that miracle in our family, I believe it'll be the most wonderful and joyous moment for them, and for me. May this wonder works of Yours heal their hurts and give us chance to enjoy that wonderful moments together. God, I really ask this in Jesus Christ Name. Amen!

I'm so glad that I did the video for Pa's birthday. But, I could only do it on my own. I really wish to do it together with cece and koko.

I used to tell God that if Pa has to face this in his life, then may I be the one who comfort them, please them, being a good and adorable daughter to them. But now I know, I can please them, love them, but I'll never be able to replace ko. They being happy for having me is one thing, but being sad about koko is totally another thing; just like I'm being so thankful, glad, and proud for having these parents is really another thing with my sadness of having this koko. Whenever I see a family with a loving, protecting, adorable son, I always admire it, envy them.

And now, once again I whisper... God... I want it.. I want to see it... I want to see the miracle... And I believe You can.. only You can change him. Thank You, Father...

(Wrote this in my dcOptima notebook, and only today, 12/12/08 can finish typing it to blog ^^)

I was well... and going to be well too :)

Last nite went to meet B's parents and had dinner with them. We had a good and sweet fellowship, chat, sharing (watever you call it) together. So glad to hear that they are now passionately serving God in the church.
On the way there, kinda blue. But when I was with them, I was well... ya, so well... Praise the Lord. Even after that, though I still had some "only if" thoughts, but I was really well :)
Thank You, Jesus...

Took this photo once reached home :)

I believe...

I hate this feeling, don't know when can I get rid of it.
Whoo.. finally I told SC about this. Felt more released after telling, at least didn't feel that alone anymore. But this morning when I woke up, kinda regret telling her, because shame shame :)

Anyway, I believe God is going to heal me completely, restoring my heart wholly...
I believe... I believe...

End-Time Church

Sunday sermon was entitled "End-Time Church", by Rev. Dr. Tony Chi.
I wept as the preacher showed us the statistic of the world evangelization.
From 1.6 billion in 1900, the world population had grown up to 6.6 billion today (2008). Out of this huge number, 27% of them had never heard / known of the Gospel (i.e. unevangelized), and 87% of them live in Asia.

And watch this!
It's estimated that "15 people die in every 10 seconds. And 10 of them died without having heard of Gospel".Can you imagine, by the time we end our service, thousands of people have died without knowing God!
Looking at myself, inside my heart I cried, "God... I don't want to just wept... I want to act".

Oscar Schindler, he saved thousands of Jews from Nazis during World War II. But at the end of his works, he said, "I could have saved more". He cried for not saving enough.



What about me???

Finally... Pasta :)

Hehe.. finally, I had pasta for my lunch just now, after been craving for it for 2 weeks. Just a simple carbonara at PastaMania, but I think that 2 weeks 'crave' made it special :)

Sometimes, 'waiting' can just really make something more special when we get it, compared to if we got it easily. So... just be patient, and rejoice during 'waiting' times.
Yeah.. I want to wait upon and before You, joyfully, in all things, knowing that You are going to give the best for me in Your perfect time. And help me to believe more...

TWA mission failed...

Have been having homesick and feeling blue for few days.
Last night, I told God that no matter what, "tomorrow I have to wake up early for my TWA", after being failing doing so for so many times.

And last night too, was a bit weird. Well, though sometimes in these years, I still thought of him, missed him, especially whenever I saw/heard something memorable, but last night, it was a bad one. It was out of nothing, sudden. After praying, due to very tired body, I wanted to have a good rest and sleep. But once my head reached my pillow, all the thoughts about him just overwhelmed me. My mind was just like flashing back to so many moments when we're together. Started from the sweet ones that he gave me, the first letter, on the bike, taught me maths, etc... kept on flowing, just like powerpint slides, from one page to the other pages, till I found my heart once again whispered, "I still can't believe and understand why I treated him that way." Why we ended up this way. Really missed him very badly, that I wept on my bed, silently, not wanting to be noticed by my 2 room-mates.

So lonely, then I was reminded of one moment which for me, is the worst hurt I felt after hurting him, when I returned him the game CD he gave me. The next day, his good friend approached me showing me the CD that he broke. My heart was so painful and broken realizing that I had hurt him so deeply. I really didn't know what to do. I could only go to look for my mentor, and cried on her bed.Being reminded of this, I suddenly missed my mentor so much, I need her so much at that moment, and I just wanted to talk to her. Texted her to make sure that she hadn't slept yet, then called her. I didn't mention anything about what bothering my sleep, just talked about other topics, but after that I really felt much better, and went to sleep. Thank you, SC..

Untill now, I really can't and don't dare to tell anyone (even my mentor) that I'm still thinking of him, though keeping this feeling by myself and myself alone, is really suffering and unbearable. God... I don't want to live in the past anymore. Please take me out... Help me to set my mind on the things above...

And, what does it have to do with my failed TWA? Well, because I couldn't sleep last night til very late, this morning I couldn't wake up early to do my TWA. Hhh.. another failed attempt. Forgive me, Abba... I will believe more, pay more effort, and love You more...Yeah... I need You, Father!

Websites

So... I think I'm gonna post all the website links which I found good here, progresively; so as to share them with anybody who reads my blog, and of course, so that I myself remember, haha...

WORSHIP
Stream of Praise
http://www.christianguitar.org/

DEVOTIONAL / CHRISTIAN ARTICLES
http://www.myutmost.org/
http://glorianet.org/grace/
http://www.gospelherald.net/

MUSIC
http://www.playpiano.com/wordpress/
http://www.lastfm.com/
http://singklyricz.com/

RESOURCES
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/

CREATIVE
www.faceinhole.com

Wow...

“All the Lord’s ways are LOVING and TRUE for those who follow the demands of his agreement.”

Psalm 25:10

Wow...

Thank You, Father...

"He doesn't call the equipped... He equips the called!"

(Quoted from: Tiffo's blog)

tired...

7.20pm, still in office. Not that late yet though, but very very tired. So, going home soon. But, that desire to write more stuff and more constantly in this blog ever since I decided to revive my blog was just getting stronger and stronger. So, here I am, despite of my exhaustness, writing here :) I hope I can write more meaningful stuff here. God, please give me inspirations... Btw, I'm so happy that I accidentally found one of my favorite person's blog today :)
Thank You, God, for this very day. For all your guidance, care, strength, and protection that You've provided. I want to be more and more obedient to You, intentionally. Love You, Father...

But...

But... still can't get 'him' out of my mind. Comparing others to him, it's really hard to accept someone else, other than him. God... help me! :((

meeting

wow... I didn't receive any message from him, but guess what!? I met him! Well, on that same day, afternoon while waiting for off time, I suddenly thought of signing in to YM through ebuddy. Expecting to get an offline message from Gabriel (but there was not), Julianto was the very first and fast one to call me. Thne had a short chat with Julianto. When I saw my contact list, ghosh... 'he' is online. Then we ended up meeting up each other after work. We had dinner and a good chat that night. Errr... nothing might gonna happen (and I don't expect for anything yet), but thank You sooo much, God, letting me meet such an old friend whom I thought I'd never meet again.

him...?

(Intro: This morning, after reading Sydney's blog, somehow just thought that I should revive my blogging again. A constant one, i mean. And... in the afternoon itself, which is now, got something to write about. Here you go...)
What a weird feeling... "deg-deg-an". Suddenly thought of signing in to friendster, after having never signed in for about a month (more than that i guess). And, guess what...!? There was a message from him... He's come to Singapore... Hm... I then left my mobile number. Now, hoping to receive a sms from him. The problem is, he very seldom signs in to his friendster... So just wait and see bah... (not a big story, huh... but the feeling is just so weird...*sobs*)