Yes, Lord... Burn them away...

Daily Office, Week 2 Day 4 - Midday / Evening Prayer

Yes, Lord... Burn them away... The selfishness, self-centeredness, jealousy, fakeness, pretense, impatience, and all the "other motives" behind why I do things I do.
Save me from the poison that flows in my veins, from that which keeps me from your Light.
Fill me with You like a sponge is filled with water, and may I continue soak myself in You.
Transform me... make me over into my true self, the way You originally intended me to be.
I want to be my true self, God... But I don't know how... I need You!

Not liked....

Terribly feeling not being liked right now... especially by my housemates...

I'm sorry, God... I'm such a failure...

I don't know... but their little 'fakeness' just make me can't help but to see that they don't like me. Or am I being suspicious? But I guess my emotional unhealthiness could've been 1 of the reason I've failed to shine...

God... helppp....

BBTC Breakthrough Weekend

Back from BBW!

Really thank God for meeting me and revealing things and Himself to me in such a way.. personal, direct, piercing, but yet sooo gentle, tender and loving. It's comforted me so much that He affirmed me that He loves and still loves no matter how I had become. Even when I thought I'd never deserve to encounter Him in such a tangible way, He gave that to me. And it just awed and humbled me to be loved by a God so high. Such a person like me, He cares and wants to meet me such personally.. ohh.. who am I to deserve all these?

So, now I know:

My God is sooo real not only to others but also to me

I am loved by a God so high

HE IS ALLKNOWING! I am naked!

When God wants to work and deals with me, avoid also no use :)

His agenda is better than any agenda I could think of. Because He knows what I need better than myself does.

I felt like a stranger once I came home... I don't know what's that, but it's weird. But when I told Jac bout this, she said she felt the same also. So, I'm normal, haha...

And, dunno why... Tho I feel new, but I'm feeling a bit burdened or troubled. I really dunno what's wrong and what is this all about, but I've learned to trust God. Trust Him for what He wants to reveal to me and not what I want Him to reveal to me... Trust Him to deal with me in His way and not in the way I want and wish Him to use. So, God... I'll trust You to reveal to me what this 'troubled' is all about, and help me to surrender and be open to any thing you're going to work in this stubborn clay.

I'm quite nervous and start feeling the toughness the journey ahead will be. God... don't let me fail, don't let me hold back, don't let me give up, don't let me let myself block the breaktrough.

In Jesus Name, who has overcome ALL when He said "It is done!"

Amen

This broken wings had been healed, and now it's time to re-learn to fly...

Tho this way is still not clear and certain, but I know that He is leading in a clear and certain way.. and He'll also do that in my way

This "One Life" is not going to be wasted anymore...

Julia is feeling unfit

Julia is really in an unfit condition to be an encouragement for others, for her A&C partners :(((
(Well.. just because I don't want to post it in my FB, so I post it here...)

Dunno how to describe it.. but... I myself is so 'not well'.. how to be an encouragement for others? I'm strengthless... suddenly I want to become nobody... I want to hide...

You lai le...

This feeling's overwhelming me again: "What actually am I doing???"
I think I really have a big problem with my life destination. It has been yearsss!!! And now, I really can't find any significant value in the life I'm living now. It's just like earning for living and watching my days pass one day after another... wasted days...

God... I really need to get out of this loop... I don't think this is how my life's supposed to be rite?

I want...

Bu Shi Mei You Jia

They are out there for Gospel sake. But what bout me???

Single-Minded (Part 2)

God's not demanding. He doesn't want to take from us, He wants to give to us. But when our hands are cluttering so many things that clutter our lives, He cannot give.

So, I surrender all, God...

Detoxify my soul

Single-hearted pursuit of the things of God

My heart to be completely Yours...

yi dian dian (a little bit)

You yi dian dian xiao chi chu (small jealousy), xiao shang xin (small sadness), xiao xin suan (small sour heart), since bumping into her last Sunday... silly me, haha...

Precious Corner

Listening to "Precious Corner" (Zui Zheng Gui De Jiao Luo) by SOP, and suddenly I realize that I don't know whom that 'precious corner' refer to anymore... I don't have it anymore... and God, I want...

sooo missing Papa and Mommy :((

I'm supposed to blog bout our Vietnam trip, but right now all in my mind is I'm sooo missing Papa and Mommy... Feeling sooo lonely right here right now!
I've always had this bad feeling of wanting to stay with them, but just dunno how, no way to do it... arrrgg...

Jesus, I will not quit!

I just wanna thaaank God for feeding me with so much grace, creating (or rather reviving) the confidence in me, not of myself, but of Him, of His love again this beginning of year. I believe that this is gonna mark my year-start and by God's grace continue running this year better than last year. Thaaank You, God...

I just realized that I've been so hopeless, shameful, discouraged, disappointed with myself, especially in my spiritual life, and of course that 'lost-ness' in life. I felt everything's just gone. Even the talents that I used to think as God-given to me were also gone as I disobeyed Him and His will again and again. I literally lost everything... lost confidence, lost direction, lost passion, almost loosing hope, then...

1. Ps Benny Ho's sermon on Sunday, 17 Jan 2010 (Hope for the Hopeless)

My hope is in the God of hope! Not in myself, not in my strength to please Him (that fails again and again), not even in my faith, but in Him! So, who am I to lose hope? Oh.. there's still hope for me.. to be spiritually revived again, to be used by Him again, to be drawn near to Him again. Yes, there's hope...

Romans 5:13
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow
with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Note: was supposed to tell Joy a deadline for me to answer her regarding being A&C leader after the service. I was almost wanting to say "No" right away, seeing how I'm doing as a Christian, seeing how my relationship with God had become. But after the sermon, I was so excited to see what God's going to do in my life this year that I changed my answer to "let's see how I'm improving in 3 months. Reason being, I don't want to lead out of myown emptiness"

2. Asher Tribe Gathering today, 29 Jan 2010 Exhortation by Tuck Leh

Watching the video below, when Derek was struggling with the pain, I really saw myself in it: hopeless, sin, strengthless, disappointed with myself, lonely, pain, lost... all were there. People are passing by and I was struggling, alone... I really felt myself not worthy of anything anymore. And then, when Derek got up and started running again, I found myself saying, "Yes Lord... I will not quit!" I want to continue running, and finish the race. And I know that my Father is running with me, giving me support and strength.

Note: About the role of leadership, I'm still not confident to myself as in whether I'm able to lead, what I can give etc. But I know, God's the One who's providing me with all those, and I came to know 1 thing: I want to do it. So how? hmm..

Yes! I really love the way God uses BBTC to bless me, to shape me. God.. I am now excited again to experience all that You're gonna do in my life. Help me Lord that this won't be just an overnight fire, but may this be something that stays in me that sustain my desire and excitement to seek You and grow in deeper knowledge of You.

Ni ming bai ma?

Forsaking all (far from family etc...) but without any achievement, without anything significant... zhi zhong xin qing, ni ming bai ma? Wo ming bai...

You Can, because He Can

You Can, Because He Can

I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. Job 42:2 NKJV

You can ask the Lord
because He will not give you a wrong answer.
You can wait upon the Lord
because His timing is always perfect.
You can trust in the Lord
because He makes no mistakes.
You can hope in the Lord
because He holds your future.
You can rest in the Lord
because He is in control of your life.
You can lean upon the Lord
because He is completely faithful.

(Meet Me in the Meadow - by Roy Lessin)

Sad... what can I do to relieve?

I am sooo sad with so many things... but I dunno what to do... suddenly feel so helpless, dunno what can I do to ease this sadness...
Things seem to have no way out... oh God.. help me know that You will make a way... You will give miracle and surprise in a way I never thought of...
And God... not too long, pls... :((

I am so sad

I wrote this on 5th Jan, and til now.

I am so sad... because:
1. I am stuck spritually! I am so disappointed with myself in term of my spiritual life.
2. I am lost! Dunno what's next. Really lost my direction.
3. I wanna live and be with Pa and Mi, but I dunno how.
4. Lid have unhappinesses towards me. I've become her stumbling block.
5. Some one I'm closest to in this house, my roommate and my good friend, the only person I can tell some of my 'xin shi' to (if not all) is leaving. Now I'm even more alone...
6. Need to find a good roommate.
And lastly, Mi's chasing me about 'that'. Wo hao fan ah... frustrated...

Zhu, wo yao... Breakthrough... Revival...

Ohh.. from deep within, I really realize that I've lost the fire, the passion, the 'heart for God', the heart that cries for His kingdom sake, yeah.. that desperateness for God's work to be done...

God.. I yield to You, "Zhu.. wo yao ni de fu xin lai dao wo shen ming zhong... Zai ci fu xin wo, ying dao wo, si yong wo.. zai ci shi xia ni en dian, lian ming..."

我高舉雙手 - I Give You My All

This song, once again is very relevant to 'xian zai de wo'. Actually, it has always been describing about me.
These few days, have always been thinking (on the way to work, early morning in bus 506): I don't love God enough as yet.. I really long to have the very close and intimate relationship with God, being and living kind of life that's pleasing in His heart, from inside out, but.. I am still struggling and 'striving' so hard with it.
I haven't prayed enough, haven't loved enough, haven't read Bible enough, haven't obeyed enough, haven't lived His will.. No... it's just too far from 'there'. I am not yet a God's lover, or a devoted Christian..

And once again.. I asked God to help me..

God.. forgive me.. and help me be.. help me be... I want to repent.. Repent from my disobedience, from my self-centeredness, from not 'zhuan xin' towards You.

Here's the song:

我高舉雙手
I Give You My All
詞：謝秉哲 Eric Hsieh 曲：游智婷 Sandy Yu
English Translation: SOP & John Liu

我攤開我的雙手
How can I give You a gift
想要給甚麼
That’s worthy of my King
卻一無所有
When all I have is Yours?
我獻上我的身體
How can I give You my life
想報答甚麼
To glorify Your name?
可是卻虧欠那麼多
When my life is weak, You are strong
主卻用溫柔雙手
But You cover me with perfect love
抬起我的頭
Speak the words of peace
輕輕對我說 恩典夠我用
In my weakness, Your grace is enough

﹝副歌﹞
我高舉雙手 觸摸的手
I give You my all, give my everything
倒空生命 只願愛更多
Humble myself to worship You my King
我高舉雙手 願觸摸的手
I give You my all, I give my everything
定睛仰望十架 成我力量
Before Your glory, before my King

Copyright 2009 Stream of Praise Music. CCLI# 5482553
讚美之泉版權所有﹝ 不要放棄 •滿有能力﹞ 我高舉雙手

Blue Christmas

Have been feeling blue since that saturday night weird sad dream. Have been quite tired recently. But usually, though tired, but if it's due to the busy-ness of practise etc I would still be so energetic. This time is a bit different, veryyy tired.. may be because now older already also lol.. Was really very tired on Sunday, and I think partly because of the dream also that affect my mood, haha.. 'kam tou tak?"

Today, feeling as if as Christmas is nearer, the feeling is even 'bluer', lost in the crowd.

I told God, "God, I don't know why and what kind of feeling is this, but would you remove this and replace it with the joy and peace which is from You, which despites of circumstances?

And, this song meant a lot to me (sang in last Sunday worship) and made me ponder my ups and downs, lonely struggles, and tears that no-one knows throughout this year. For me, the greatest meaning of Christmas this year is: He is with me. Thank You, Jesus...

Intro: Bb Dm7 Eb F
Verse 1:Bb Dm7 Eb FsusTogether in this place of worship Your greatness we proclaim.Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus FWe stand as one in giving You all glory and aclaim.
Prechorus 1: Gm7 Bb CTo You our hearts are open, F Bbto You our hands we raise. Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FCome take the place of honour in our lives.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God.
(x2)Instrumental: Eb F Eb FVerse 2:Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus See the praises of our Saviour rise to open skies.Bb Dm7 Eb Fsus F With the dawning of redemption, Your glory will arise.
Prechorus 2: Gm7 Bb C For You alone are worthy, here inF BbZion You are praised. Our Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FLord and King forever You will reign.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God. (x2)
Coda: Eb F Eb Fsus Eb F Eb Fsus
Prechorus 1: Gm7 Bb CTo You our hearts are open, F Bbto You our hands we raise. Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FCome take the place of honour in our lives.
Prechorus 2: Gm7 Bb C For You alone are worthy, here inF BbZion You are praised. Our Eb Bb Cm7 Fsus FLord and King forever You will reign.
Chorus: Eb F Eb FsusEmmanuel our God is with us. Eb FPrince of peace, Mighty One, Eb Fsusthe ever living God. (x6)

Disappointed... (Be good?)

So last nite I was very very disappointed by some friend. Despite all my care and being 'sui bian' and all my effort to never say no to help to hers (which most of the time involved sacrifice of time, energy, convenience, money), when I sort of need her help, she easily without hesitate confidently answered, "eehh... I don't want ee... why do i have to...". I tell you, right at that moment, my heart went cold. I mean, the situation was not even certain, it's not even certain that I will need that help. It's only a "if needed" scenario, she just without even thinking, gave me such a respond. In my heart I thought, do I still need to be good to her?

But after I went to my room and ponder upon our conversation and on how my heart reacted to it, it was actually quite a small matter, but dunno why I was really very disturbed and troubled. I could sense it's kinda a trial. It's like, see... people are naturally so selfish and dun care of your needs. Well, they may be very kind and good sometimes, but when it comes to a point that they may need to sacrifice in order to help, that's totally a different story you'll get already. Now, will you still be kind and sacrifice for others?
Oh.. I tell you, I really struggled very hard to tell myself to stop thinking about it (negatively), asking God to prevent me from being affected by it. I guess it was that bad partly because it's a mix of worry and disappointment. I tried very hard to trust God, really... that He'll not let me suffer and will make ways for me. And I realized how lacking of faith I am.

Oh God... forgive me for all my negative thoughts, thoughts to "dun care / boh chap / selfish", and my worrisome. Help me, God... to trust in You, have more faith in You. And I need you to make a way for me (in term of 'that')

Well, I guess the scenario is this:
Yes, when you are doing good to people, at that point of time you were really doing it without expectation of return. But it is when it's your turn needing their help, needing them to be considerate and "wei ni zhao xiang" and the respond that they give is "who cares..." (though not exactly that term, but their answer, action, attitude all represent that), then you'll start comparing all that you've ever done to them and what they do to you in return, and very tempted to feel and say in your heart, "shuan le... what for being so good to others when others only care of themselves? Just care of myself!".

But yeah.. as I mentioned earlier, I did struggle very much not to think this way, and I was reminded of this verse:

And I really hope that this won't affect me and my heart thus causing me to be selfish, self-centered, calculative etc. Be good, kind, generous to others and always wei bie ren zhao xiang no matter what! Do that because Jesus had done so before, because He's still doing that to me even til now, because I love Jesus so I love others, because God will bless me in many other ways. Yeah... it's all about Him, not about me! And yeah.. I really need to know God more and deeper, walk close to Him and know Him in such a way when such thing occur to me again, I can truly say "It doesn't matter.. It's okay" with peace and joy in my heart. By Your grace, Lord...