In His Sanctuary!

Psalm 73:16-17
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

Yup, everything'll just be different when you are in God's presence...
Your mind, thought, perspective, 'xin tai', etc...

Small 'incident' before going home...

Tomorrow is the day... yeah... going home for CNY. Since few months, my excitement was climbing higher and higher as the day of going home approaching. It's been the most exciting and the most "I looked forward to" one ever since I started to be away from home, for study and for work. This time for me is also a 'going home' which I can go with confident (after feeling so 'useless' for mum and dad for few years. Well, just in recent months I think I was being 'healed' and 'freed' from all my unconfidence, sense of unacceptance and my bondage of performance.

I started counting down the days to going home... until... that day of 'argumenting' with ce.I was deeply hurt, saddened, and discouraged. All my excitement of going home which already reached 100% of the graph suddenly dropped to 0%. Not because I'll be seeing Ce, but may be mostly because all my confidence and happiness of thinking I'm pleasing and happying Pa & Mi were just crashed and wasshed off. It had almost brought all the bondages which are already in process of recovering back to my life. But thank God... God's with me all the time, He'll not let that happen. One day after the 'quarrel' (which was yesterday) was really miserable for me. But I know, God was holding me tightly. Even today, thinking that I'll be going home tomorrow still make me feel a bit nervous and weird, but I'm happy... yeah, no performance needed... I just want to be home to see my family, to be with Pa and Mi..

And, another thing, once again I am reminded that I really can do nothing to earn love and acceptance. It's a grace and blessing. Be it to God, or to my loved ones, if I try to please them, it's purely out of my love to them, no to earn acceptance, love, or whatever. Yeah... I'm sorry God, for all my arrogance and proud. If Pa & Mum loves me, accept me, be proud of me, delight in me, etc... it's not at all by my might or what I do, but it's all by your love. Ya, once again I'm really reminded. Thank You, Holy Spirit...

So, Xin Nian Kuai Le... Xin Nian Mong En...

Ps. I'm going home tomorrow.. with mission and burden to love my family, especially koko.
Ssst... God... Please let my family know how I love them, and how the mean so much to me... (Especially Pa & Mi)

what else....?

What else can I do so they'll know that I really really love them, more than anyone...???

Why my own sister, can only hurt my heart so deeply once by once, sabo my confidence once by one...

And I've just realized, so far, there's nothing can sadden me more than that my love and priority to my family is not being acknowledged, that they don't know how much I love them.

God... please let them know...

Revelation

All this while, everytime I was about to pray for Ko, I always be speechless, not knowing how to pray... And suddenly, last Friday nite (19 Dec 08), when I was about to pray, I was very sure that it was a revelation from God, I just knew that God wanted me to pray for this: "That God gives Papa, Mommy, myself, Cuce (my sis in law), Jia Ling (my sis), Indra (my bro in law), Saintly, Gracy, Andrew, and Joyce LOVE to love, accept, uphold, support, and encourage koko that he has the second chance". That was really a wonderful moment. I had spent the whole night, after getting home, til about 1.30am cleaning my house stuff, but at that moment, not to mention tired, I was full-of-spirit to pray, and mentioned them by name. Just in seconds, I was overwhelmed, in tears, and in presence of God. So, I'm really sure that's God's revelation, not my thought, or feeling.


So I quickly typed my sms about this and saved into draft (because it was too late to send sms to the whole of my family).
The next morning, once I woke up, I sent the message to Pa, Jie, and So. I got an encouraging respond from Pa saying that he extremely agree with me, that he wants to show love to Ko, and see Ko as someone who's been changed by God.

The next day, we watched a drama "Blood Brothers" by BBTC, which also talked about "second chance". It was an amazingly transforming drama, well acted and was full of anointing. During the whole drama, I kept thinking of Ko... He needs to know that he still have second chance, that he's still being loved, that he still have hope, that he still can be changed and change, that God still love him much.

After that Fri and Sat, I kept on thinking of Ko. I kept on feeling very sad for him. I could feel that actually he also feels very helpless about himself. I think it could've been many times that he also didn't like the way he is, he also wanted to change, wanted to be good but he just failed and failed, until he gave up and felt that there's nothing he can do about it anymore, so just let it be... (These are all what I thought have been felt by ko all this while, but this time the feeling is very strong, as if it's true... so, I'll take it as something that God puts in me to help me understand ko from his hardship, to see him as someone who needs help, not to be condemned). So I kept on praying that God will let him know that he is still being loved by God and us, that he still have hope, and that he needs God, to rely on God.

And yeah... my mission during this time going home for Chinese New Year is to love, love and love him... Love you, Ko... God, I need you, your love...

Merry Christmas...

Holiday, not in office, means no internet. So, I'd better clear up everything that I wanna do which requires internet connection.

So... Merry Christmas, Jia Yun.. (haha... don't think there's anyone out there reading my blog, so I'm the only reader).

Today work half-day, 7 more minutes then I can leave office. But still not knowing what to do after this. How to celebrate my 1st Christmas in Singapore. (Had been thinking about it since a month ago, and been thinking hard since last night, but still haven't manage to get any idea, hm...). Feel a bit blue, or lonely, or weird? ... err bit hard to describe. May be just "bu xi guan" bah... All this while, Christmas had been meaning "church events, ministries" (back at homechurch in Singkawang), and even past 2 years, though I was not in Skw, 2006 was in Jakarta, was busy with our cellgroups' Pantomim, 2007 in Kuching Ling Liang Church, arranging the program for the celebration (was a exhausting and frustrating one, but meaningful).

This year, suddenly become an 'idle' year for me, haha... I love the Christmas atmosphere here, though... Orchard Road.. yeah... I like it... The joyous season is really felt everywhere.. with the lightings, decorations, musics, carol floats everywhere.. wewwwhh... was there with Den, Pho, Julianto, Wayan, Silvy last Saturday.
But just... yeah... next year need to be 'busier', haha...

But anyway, thank You Father for this year... I can fully enjoy myself, in a country which has fabulous Christmas, and most importantly, all the abundant graces that You've been supplying me with along the year.

I miss home, miss Papa and Mommy... But I know, they are close in my heart, and so am I, close in their hearts. (This early in the morning, once I woke up, already received a Christmas wish sms from Pa ^^)

Ok... after this, I'll go home first, rest for a while, then go out to get Deni's birthday present (may be with Tony), then at night will be at Orchard Road with Rachel and Julianto.

Merry Christmas....

And new year resolution?? hm.. God... please show me Your revelation ^^

Bao Bei,
Jia Yun

"Stepping Out"

(Wrote this in my notebook on 21 Nov '08 10.43am @ Office while drawing Site Plan ^^)

I'm so glad and thank God that in this work, I can listen to music/sermon/testimonial (thru GoodTV). So, my soul is being filled too while I'm working.But don't worry... I still can concentrate with my work well, hehe... so I didn't "snake" oh... Except if I suddenly have some thoughts, then I'll quickly write it down lor (just like now, haha...)

Well, the point is: It feels really good. Having your spirit being filled and fed is really good.

But, that's not the main purpose I write this. What then? Well.. I listened to the song "Stepping Out" (by. Frank Cheng - SOP) just now. Then that burden in my heart to serve full-time was there again (just like many other times). Then it came to my mind, all these while I've always been desiring to serve full-timely, but I just hesitate to go to Seminary. I said in my heart: God, I want to go full time. But I don't want to be bonded by any structure. Especially like those church with sceptic rules and regulations on doctrines. Well, it's good in term of keeping the unity within the church, but I think my calling is not there.Hm, is it a revelation of solution for me to take up the respond to the calling? Freelance? But how...? But... is this alright? I mean, my attitude of not wanting to be bonded, especially the doctrine principle, is it alright? or is it the act of my rebelliousness that always want to be free and just following what I myself want?I just feel somehow it's difficult to work under 1 extreme doctrine. Well, may be because I still don't want to stand on 1 extreme denomination: charismatic/evangelical. So, somehow I'll feel: "I can't accept charismatic fully, but when I'm in Evangelical, somehow I feel a bit being bonded to do certain things, or being not free when I want to do something.

But God, here I am... Let it be Your way :)

Ooopss... (correction for "year-end bonus"

Hehe.. paiseh... I've misunderstood. About the year-end bonus, I've just known that it was not a year-end bonus, but a pro-rated 13th month salary for me, haha... Because I haven't worked here for 12 mths, so I thought I was not entitled with the 13th mth salary. The bonus will come next year, after all the company's account closing's settled. So... let's wait and see... :D