Internet @ home

Finally... after almost a year, we decided to sign up an internet line with SingTel, 3 mbps, $36/mth (shared by 3 of us), 2 years contract.So, with internet access at home, will it pay much contribution on the improvement of my blogging? hehe... let's see... ^^ But, I have to make sure that it won't affect my reading commitment, hm... yeah... gotta manage my time well.. TWA, reading, internet-ing, rest, exercise, and self-improvement.

Today woke up very late, felt quite bad about it. No body was at home when I woke up, and the loneliness was quite overwhelming. Then I decided to do our housekeeping schedule which I just realized had been neglected for a while :( ,then did housekeeping, went to Jurong Point, bought contact lens and KFC, brought home for lunch, online for a while, then when I was about to go out to meet Tony, it was raining heavily, so held back.

And... I went out with Tony. Went to Tecman to get a KJV Bible as Deni's baptism present, and CD, and DVD. Then we went to a new mall in Tampines, wow.. haha... super duper crowded, but it's a good exposure ^^ nice place, nice dinner at BBQ Chicken.

(Well.. this was supposed to be posted on Saturday, 11 April 2009, hehe...

Tired... helpless...

I'm feeling so down... so discouraged... so betrayed... so unappreciated... so failed... so disregarded... But I can't blame them, I'm the one who's at fault.

I really want to love, to bless... I indeed felt that my calling here in Singapore is to bless and embrace my friens who'd also come to this country. Those who have not had Christ, I'll bring them to Christ. Those who'd gone apart from God, I'll bring them back. And I really want to do it. But recently, discouragement by discouragement seems to taking in. It's indeed hard to fight my selfishness, my self...

Such a moody, selfish, self-centered, ... me... how can others see/feel the love, care and blessing from me?

At the end... I become totally alone... God... transform me... transform me... I cry... And purify my heart...

Apart from God, I can really do NOTHING...

Passion...

So, I still want to achieve these (for my personal spiritual life):

1. Every morning, the first thing I do is to get down on my knees and pray for my loved ones (learnt this from Bro. Chi Ren)
2. To do my quiet time in the morning

And wanna do these:
1. Compile Duane's notes
2. Save n compile GoodTV YT and make available for Mum & Dad to use in their ministry. If possible, subtitle to Indonesian
3. Translate many notes to do re mi

And these... (to be started soonest possible):
1. Piano (music)
2. Mandarin (read & write)

God... need You... "Wo kao zhi na jia gei wo li liang de, fan shi dou neng zuo"

One Pure and Holy Passion
Watermark (The Road to One Day Live)
(Capo 2)

G D Em D
Give me one pure and holy passion
C G Am7 D
Give me one magnificent obsession
G D Em D
Give me one glorious ambition for me life
C G/B G/A G D
To know an follow hard after you.
(repeat)

(Chorus)
G D C
To know and follow hard after you
G D C
To grow as your disciple in the truth
Em D
This world empty, pail, and poor
Em D
Compared to knowing you my Lord
C D Em
Lead me on and I will run after you
C D G
Lead me on and I will run after you

My God's sooo good ^^

God... Than You sooo much...I'm so happy, Jie sms-ed me telling me that Ko went to church. I know it has nothing to do with our effort or smses, etc... but mainly God who touches his heart to take a start to come back to the Lord.

Father, I really thank You for all You've done in our family, especially recently. I thank You for the ways that've been opened up one by one. I thank You for that day of revelation, when You totally led my heart to be how it's suppose to be when I pray for Ko; Thank You for all that burden that You put in me and my family members; Thank You for the love that You've put in us to love and embrace Ko; Thank You for all forgiveness that You've made us able to give; Thank You for the unity that You've made possible among us; Thank You for the good time of fellowship that we had during CNY; Thank You for everything that You've done that hadn't been realized by me; and most importantly, thank You for touching and changing Ko's heart. I know God, revival's going to take place in his life.

When I prayed for mum & dad's relationship to be on fire again, You answered my prayer (I knew it when Mum told me how dad treated with loeve, tho it's a bit funny). I prayed for Ko, and now, once again You answered my prayer. Oh ya, one more, I prayed for myself to be close to You and have desire to seek You through Your Word, and You answered me, in just these recent days. Oh God... I'm so touched that You care for me, that You care for my heart desire and longings, that You care to give me what I ask for, that You care of my prayers...

Thank you... Thank You... Thank You precious God...

In His Sanctuary!

Psalm 73:16-17
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

Yup, everything'll just be different when you are in God's presence...
Your mind, thought, perspective, 'xin tai', etc...

Small 'incident' before going home...

Tomorrow is the day... yeah... going home for CNY. Since few months, my excitement was climbing higher and higher as the day of going home approaching. It's been the most exciting and the most "I looked forward to" one ever since I started to be away from home, for study and for work. This time for me is also a 'going home' which I can go with confident (after feeling so 'useless' for mum and dad for few years. Well, just in recent months I think I was being 'healed' and 'freed' from all my unconfidence, sense of unacceptance and my bondage of performance.

I started counting down the days to going home... until... that day of 'argumenting' with ce.I was deeply hurt, saddened, and discouraged. All my excitement of going home which already reached 100% of the graph suddenly dropped to 0%. Not because I'll be seeing Ce, but may be mostly because all my confidence and happiness of thinking I'm pleasing and happying Pa & Mi were just crashed and wasshed off. It had almost brought all the bondages which are already in process of recovering back to my life. But thank God... God's with me all the time, He'll not let that happen. One day after the 'quarrel' (which was yesterday) was really miserable for me. But I know, God was holding me tightly. Even today, thinking that I'll be going home tomorrow still make me feel a bit nervous and weird, but I'm happy... yeah, no performance needed... I just want to be home to see my family, to be with Pa and Mi..

And, another thing, once again I am reminded that I really can do nothing to earn love and acceptance. It's a grace and blessing. Be it to God, or to my loved ones, if I try to please them, it's purely out of my love to them, no to earn acceptance, love, or whatever. Yeah... I'm sorry God, for all my arrogance and proud. If Pa & Mum loves me, accept me, be proud of me, delight in me, etc... it's not at all by my might or what I do, but it's all by your love. Ya, once again I'm really reminded. Thank You, Holy Spirit...

So, Xin Nian Kuai Le... Xin Nian Mong En...

Ps. I'm going home tomorrow.. with mission and burden to love my family, especially koko.
Ssst... God... Please let my family know how I love them, and how the mean so much to me... (Especially Pa & Mi)

what else....?

What else can I do so they'll know that I really really love them, more than anyone...???

Why my own sister, can only hurt my heart so deeply once by once, sabo my confidence once by one...

And I've just realized, so far, there's nothing can sadden me more than that my love and priority to my family is not being acknowledged, that they don't know how much I love them.

God... please let them know...