I really don't know how to describe... this feeling...
Meaningless... don't know where and what the value is... don't know for what (wai co me cek?)...
Well, it has actually been an ongoing, unsolved issue of my life all this while, ever since I stepped into working life, to be exact. It's just that sometimes it overwhelmes badly, and sometimes it's just there, existing, but not disturbing. Few months after being in Singapore, didn't really feel it badly anymore, but well... don't get me wrong, it's not solved yet, it's not that I have found the meaning/purpose/watever you call it, it's not that I've finally found what I want, finally found where I'm supposed to be... no... it's not that... not at all! But I guess, it's more because I've got a stabil job, income, can support my life well, enough in everything, and can do a little bit for parents/family, etc. If I'm to refer to the "Three Transitions in Life We all should Make by Mark Pfeifer" (sent by Joy), I'll say that's my 'Security' stage. So I was just simply living day by day, being frustrated with time that flies, seeing helplessly my day gone one by one without I being able to fill it with any essential/meaningful thing, meeting people, routines, so on and so on... with the feel of "meaningless" being tried to be put aside, ignored. But, the fact is, it's still there, unsolved.
If you ask me, "Am I happy?", "No, I am not!" When was the last time I being happy? I don't know... There are still a lot of things that I cannot describe, and I really feel that my insight, my person (character wise) has really worsen.
When being faced with the question "Is life I'm living the race that God's called me to run?" on the first night of Young Adult Camp, I once again realize that it's not. I'm not running in the race at all... I'm just walking for the sake of keeping myself moving (making my life), without direction... and I know, I've got homework to do after the camp, to really ask God what's the race He calls me to and to obey to run it faithfully.
This two weeks had been quite a momentous period. It's hard. Last week (just after the camp) had been a very stressful, most pressuring week at work, till a point, on one night I just got soo troubled, restless, couldn't sleep, etc. But on the weekend, I told myself, I had to use that weekend to really find rest in God, draw back to Him, and yeah... I got rid of those stress. Just before I ended the weekend, I decided that the coming week (which is this week) will never gonna be the same. I don't want to be so easily overwhelmed by the stress at work and let it affect my whole life for the rest of the day. Yeah, thank God, it works...
But this two mornings (yesterday and today), while walking to MRT, I've been having this "don't want to be far from Pa and Mi" badly... I kept on thinking, I want to be with them, live together with them, being with them and seeing them everyday, being near to them... but how??? and this "wai co me cek?" just repeat and repeat itself in my mind.
And this afternoon, in midst of work, I just suddenly once again felt very down about my job (not even a career). I really need a job that I can feel that I'm doing something meaningful, and the regret of not ending up studying medicine and being a doctor just overwhelmed me again.
God, I'm really having a big issue of value, significance, meaning, and life purpose. Very 'tong ku'.
I can only keep praying, "God, if this is not the way, please reveal to me the way I should go on..." God... help me...
