Feel so guilty I took cab to office again this morning. Hopefully, it's for the last time at least for the next half year, or for the rest of my ATS life (hopefully not so long more)
Felt so unmotivated to go to work recently. I guess, the ambiguous task is one of the causes. And recently, they bidded a tender, which after knowing the result n assuming that they will impossibly get the contract, simply bo chap to answering the TCQ, pushing here n there.
(Afternote: but today finally submitted)
19.20pm: still in the office, don't feel like going home (hui qu you zhen yang ne??)
Today's really down with severe 'blue'... I'm sorry God for all I am today, full of sigh and unmotivation..
Psalm 6:2-4
2 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
4 Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Abiding in Christ
Today's sermon: Abiding Life of John 15:5-8 by Dr Freddy Boey
I just wanna say, "Thank You, Lord.. for comforting and assuring me that even now, in this season, the season when I'm feeling so lost, so useless, so lonely, so no direction, so no achievement, so... wrong.., I am still and also abiding in Christ".
Yes, I am, and I will, and I want... oh God...
I just wanna say, "Thank You, Lord.. for comforting and assuring me that even now, in this season, the season when I'm feeling so lost, so useless, so lonely, so no direction, so no achievement, so... wrong.., I am still and also abiding in Christ".
Yes, I am, and I will, and I want... oh God...
Friday, September 4, 2009
During Wisdom Tooth Growth
So, Wednesday (02 Sep) was on MC. Woke up, had breakfast with the left-over beehon in order to be able to take my medicine. A bit of drowsy, went to sleep. Plumber came so had to wake up and lied down at sofa in the living room. Effect of painkiller worn off just after 2 hours, while I could only take again after 12 hours, ohh.. Lunch with indomie to take medicine again (but not painkiller), after that went to sleep again so as not to feel the pain. Woke up, had porridge for dinner (all of us had porridge, haha..), couldn't wait to take painkiller again. Had to cancel a movie session. Supposed to watch "UP" at Suntec Eng Wah with Jacinta, Brendan and Barry. I had been wanting to watch "UP", you know.. and it's free some more, a volunteer appreciation nite held by BCCSC. So, have to buy ticket myself and watch next time lor... Forced myself to stay 'til 9pm to watch the HK drama "Heart of Greed" til 10pm, then went to sleep with pain.
Thursday, had to go to work though still in pain. Bought banana cake for breakfast but ended up ate a bit with milo in the morning, and trying to finish it throughout the day, eating bit by bit. In the morning, while working felt a bit dizzy, but thought it was normal due to taking antibiotics (my stomach is not very strong to medicine). But during bus ride to office, suddenly felt want to faint. Was very worried and prayed not to faint there, and thank God, managed to arrive office and sat down. Maz, Brian, Wan Tien and Wati were shocked by my pale face.
Afternoon, had beehoon cooked by Stephanie. Very delicious, but managed to eat a bit only. After work, went home, ate a bit of rice for dinner. Before going to sleep, cooked porridge for tomorrow breakfast.
That night, had to cancel my first "Teach-in session" with the worship team.
Friday, ate porridge for breakfast, took cab to office. Pain was getting better, but still taking painkiller. Had porridge again for lunch. After noon, pain got better, but the gum was very not comfortable that I couldn't speak properly, haha... Went home, ate my left over porridge for dinner and tried to reduce my painkiller to 1 tablet per taking.
Saturday, went to first time rehearsal with the worship team ^^
And.. start eating rice again... yahooo... Thank God..
Dinner, no appetite, gastric i guess, cause of the antibiotics
Sunday, dizzy and nauseous...
Now.. quite well... oopss.. haven't taken my medicine.. haha.. finally I could forget instead of waiting to take medicine.. (that means, no pain at all lor.. ^^)
Thursday, had to go to work though still in pain. Bought banana cake for breakfast but ended up ate a bit with milo in the morning, and trying to finish it throughout the day, eating bit by bit. In the morning, while working felt a bit dizzy, but thought it was normal due to taking antibiotics (my stomach is not very strong to medicine). But during bus ride to office, suddenly felt want to faint. Was very worried and prayed not to faint there, and thank God, managed to arrive office and sat down. Maz, Brian, Wan Tien and Wati were shocked by my pale face.
Afternoon, had beehoon cooked by Stephanie. Very delicious, but managed to eat a bit only. After work, went home, ate a bit of rice for dinner. Before going to sleep, cooked porridge for tomorrow breakfast.
That night, had to cancel my first "Teach-in session" with the worship team.
Friday, ate porridge for breakfast, took cab to office. Pain was getting better, but still taking painkiller. Had porridge again for lunch. After noon, pain got better, but the gum was very not comfortable that I couldn't speak properly, haha... Went home, ate my left over porridge for dinner and tried to reduce my painkiller to 1 tablet per taking.
Saturday, went to first time rehearsal with the worship team ^^
And.. start eating rice again... yahooo... Thank God..
Dinner, no appetite, gastric i guess, cause of the antibiotics
Sunday, dizzy and nauseous...
Now.. quite well... oopss.. haven't taken my medicine.. haha.. finally I could forget instead of waiting to take medicine.. (that means, no pain at all lor.. ^^)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wisdom Tooth
Monday night started with swollen gum. I thought it was just due to heat in the body. Then the next day, getting painful, gum n tooth, but still bearable. Until afternoon, after lunch, the pain was getting worse, so took a panadol that made me couldn't open my eyes due to the drowsiness, haha... Pain getting worse, so decided to visit the dentist at Vista @ Boon Lay MRT. The dentist said my wisdom tooth is growing, but most likely horizontally, so stuck half-way n hurt my gum, may need surgery to extract the wisdom tooth. Ohhh...
Today on MC n medication, antibiotics n painkillers, each time has to 9 tablets.. ooh.. for me it's really a big matter lar :( painkiller only help to reduce the pain for 2 hours, while can only take again after 12 hours. Slept for almost the whole day so as not to feel the pain today, tomorrow have to work le... :(
I've never really experienced toothache before. The worst was only swollen gum and temporary toothache that lasted for few hours only. This time is really torturing, feel like crying :,( has been 2 days + 1 night.
Btw, can't really trust that dentist. I'm thinking to see another dentist to make sure, and tomorrow will check with Stephanie if the insurance covers this, else... very expensive leh. Anyway, I prayed that the tooth is actually growing alrite, so I'll just let it grow... haihhh.. what a days...
Today on MC n medication, antibiotics n painkillers, each time has to 9 tablets.. ooh.. for me it's really a big matter lar :( painkiller only help to reduce the pain for 2 hours, while can only take again after 12 hours. Slept for almost the whole day so as not to feel the pain today, tomorrow have to work le... :(
I've never really experienced toothache before. The worst was only swollen gum and temporary toothache that lasted for few hours only. This time is really torturing, feel like crying :,( has been 2 days + 1 night.
Btw, can't really trust that dentist. I'm thinking to see another dentist to make sure, and tomorrow will check with Stephanie if the insurance covers this, else... very expensive leh. Anyway, I prayed that the tooth is actually growing alrite, so I'll just let it grow... haihhh.. what a days...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Jin tian de xin qing...
Xin qing hao... down...
Actually not only today. It has been since Saturday.
Very hard to bear this feeling. Really feel like giving up and make a harsh decision to go home and be with Pa n Mi (though it's actually not the way also, since it will then create another worry for them). But on Saturday (or Sunday) I prayed this, that God, if this is a prompt from God, God please do it another way to convince me to go home, I don't want to make a 'chong dong' decision which is just out of my emotion and 'xiang tai duo'.
Two things were really bothering me throughout last weekend:
1. Fear of losing dad.
All this while, felt a bit weird why I'm feeling worse and worse about my being away from home. Finally, on Saturday I realized that actually my biggest fear that caused all this bad feeling is the fact that Dad's getting older and I have not been able to spend time with him. I found myself crazily asking God to give Pa n Mi long life until I get married and do whatever I'm supposed to do and seen by them, and opportunity for me to spend a lot a lot of times being with them, staying and living together with them, seeing them everyday for a period of time before they finally return to God.
And I guess, this is also one of the reasons why I sometimes got so frustrated seeing the time flies. Because the older I get, means the older Pa and Mi are too, and also mean the time I spent being not with them is more and more, and the time left for me to spend with them are getting less.
God... hao xing ku arrh...
2. That pressure
Actually not only today. It has been since Saturday.
Very hard to bear this feeling. Really feel like giving up and make a harsh decision to go home and be with Pa n Mi (though it's actually not the way also, since it will then create another worry for them). But on Saturday (or Sunday) I prayed this, that God, if this is a prompt from God, God please do it another way to convince me to go home, I don't want to make a 'chong dong' decision which is just out of my emotion and 'xiang tai duo'.
Two things were really bothering me throughout last weekend:
1. Fear of losing dad.
All this while, felt a bit weird why I'm feeling worse and worse about my being away from home. Finally, on Saturday I realized that actually my biggest fear that caused all this bad feeling is the fact that Dad's getting older and I have not been able to spend time with him. I found myself crazily asking God to give Pa n Mi long life until I get married and do whatever I'm supposed to do and seen by them, and opportunity for me to spend a lot a lot of times being with them, staying and living together with them, seeing them everyday for a period of time before they finally return to God.
And I guess, this is also one of the reasons why I sometimes got so frustrated seeing the time flies. Because the older I get, means the older Pa and Mi are too, and also mean the time I spent being not with them is more and more, and the time left for me to spend with them are getting less.
God... hao xing ku arrh...
2. That pressure
Friday, August 28, 2009
'Craving' for being a volunteer - "Good Work"
Last night watched "Star for a Cause". This time is Michelle Chia joining a group of volunteer from Eden Foundation from Taiwan, serving in a small and very poor village in Philipines, Himaco. From the name, I was pretty sure that it's a christian foundation. So this morning, I tried to check out their website, and yes, it is! In fact, it's Liu Hsia's foundation. For me, Liu Hsia is not of a stranger, knew about her through Heavenly Melody, when they produced the song/album "Ba Ai Liu Xia" which lyric is written by Liu Hsia.
So, I really 'craving' for being a volunteer, if possible, a Christian-mission-driven oversea short term voluntarily work, so it's not only doing good, but also bringing Christ's love. I hope it's not just an emotional force. Well, I don't think it is, because I have always been desiring to be able to be a volunteer or go for a mission trip. And recently, it's really not only based on feeling anymore, but I know for sure that I am created, saved, and being a Christian, to partner with God to do good works, and through that, to let the world know that I am a disciple of God, and to share Christ's love for them.
Some bible basis:
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Colossians 1:10
And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,
2 Timothy 2:21
If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.
2 Timothy 3:17
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Hebrews 13:21
equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
And see this promise.. wow..
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
Yes, Zhu, wo yao...
While typing this, my mind was directed to a series of sermon of "Financial Freedom" by SP Dan Foo that touched mostly on sowing, sowing and sowing generously. And yes, I truly think that it has got to do with generousity. So here's the wonderful verse of promise in the bible: 2 Corinthians 9
In term of this, I learned and was confirmed pretty much by the teachings in BBTC also, esp. SP Dan Foo. Yeah, I come to realize more and more that BBTC has really blessed me much in term of "making - the things that I know and have been knowing all these while - make sense, being confirmed, affirmed, and into application."
So, I really 'craving' for being a volunteer, if possible, a Christian-mission-driven oversea short term voluntarily work, so it's not only doing good, but also bringing Christ's love. I hope it's not just an emotional force. Well, I don't think it is, because I have always been desiring to be able to be a volunteer or go for a mission trip. And recently, it's really not only based on feeling anymore, but I know for sure that I am created, saved, and being a Christian, to partner with God to do good works, and through that, to let the world know that I am a disciple of God, and to share Christ's love for them.
Some bible basis:
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Colossians 1:10
And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,
2 Timothy 2:21
If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.
2 Timothy 3:17
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Hebrews 13:21
equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
And see this promise.. wow..
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
Yes, Zhu, wo yao...
While typing this, my mind was directed to a series of sermon of "Financial Freedom" by SP Dan Foo that touched mostly on sowing, sowing and sowing generously. And yes, I truly think that it has got to do with generousity. So here's the wonderful verse of promise in the bible: 2 Corinthians 9
In term of this, I learned and was confirmed pretty much by the teachings in BBTC also, esp. SP Dan Foo. Yeah, I come to realize more and more that BBTC has really blessed me much in term of "making - the things that I know and have been knowing all these while - make sense, being confirmed, affirmed, and into application."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Why am I in Singapore?
Uhmm... Last Sunday, during service, Ps Peter Tsukahira preached bout "The People of the Kingdom of God".
And suddenly I thought of this, "I guess I know 2 of the reasons/purposes of God bringing me to Singapore" (previously, I really didn't know why...).
It is to bring me to BBTC to deal with me the following two issue in my life:
1. No condemnation, even self-condemnation. To have mercy for myself n others. Grace... and grace only... My salvation, value, etc are all by the grace of God only.. There's no need to prove myself.. There's no need to strive for acceptance, for significance..
2. Sacred v.s Secular
(Through how the lay-people serve 'fulltimely', and confirmed by Ps Tsukahira's today message).
Well, I'm not saying "Yayyy... I don't need to be a pastor anymore". I still believe God calls certain people to be in "full-time ministries as in pastors, missionaries, etc", just like He calls doctors, teachers, plumbers, etc. I mean, imagine if I become a pastor before having this long time planted mindset dealt with, I'll be an inmostly arrogant pastor/person, thought that I'm a so obedient child of God, wei da, better than others, etc...
Ohh.. I thank You, Lord... for Your perfect plan in my growing process... Who am I God, that You are so mindful of me??
And suddenly I thought of this, "I guess I know 2 of the reasons/purposes of God bringing me to Singapore" (previously, I really didn't know why...).
It is to bring me to BBTC to deal with me the following two issue in my life:
1. No condemnation, even self-condemnation. To have mercy for myself n others. Grace... and grace only... My salvation, value, etc are all by the grace of God only.. There's no need to prove myself.. There's no need to strive for acceptance, for significance..
2. Sacred v.s Secular
(Through how the lay-people serve 'fulltimely', and confirmed by Ps Tsukahira's today message).
Well, I'm not saying "Yayyy... I don't need to be a pastor anymore". I still believe God calls certain people to be in "full-time ministries as in pastors, missionaries, etc", just like He calls doctors, teachers, plumbers, etc. I mean, imagine if I become a pastor before having this long time planted mindset dealt with, I'll be an inmostly arrogant pastor/person, thought that I'm a so obedient child of God, wei da, better than others, etc...
Ohh.. I thank You, Lord... for Your perfect plan in my growing process... Who am I God, that You are so mindful of me??
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