Jesus, I will not quit!

I just wanna thaaank God for feeding me with so much grace, creating (or rather reviving) the confidence in me, not of myself, but of Him, of His love again this beginning of year. I believe that this is gonna mark my year-start and by God's grace continue running this year better than last year. Thaaank You, God...

I just realized that I've been so hopeless, shameful, discouraged, disappointed with myself, especially in my spiritual life, and of course that 'lost-ness' in life. I felt everything's just gone. Even the talents that I used to think as God-given to me were also gone as I disobeyed Him and His will again and again. I literally lost everything... lost confidence, lost direction, lost passion, almost loosing hope, then...

1. Ps Benny Ho's sermon on Sunday, 17 Jan 2010 (Hope for the Hopeless)

My hope is in the God of hope! Not in myself, not in my strength to please Him (that fails again and again), not even in my faith, but in Him! So, who am I to lose hope? Oh.. there's still hope for me.. to be spiritually revived again, to be used by Him again, to be drawn near to Him again. Yes, there's hope...

Romans 5:13
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow
with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Note: was supposed to tell Joy a deadline for me to answer her regarding being A&C leader after the service. I was almost wanting to say "No" right away, seeing how I'm doing as a Christian, seeing how my relationship with God had become. But after the sermon, I was so excited to see what God's going to do in my life this year that I changed my answer to "let's see how I'm improving in 3 months. Reason being, I don't want to lead out of myown emptiness"

2. Asher Tribe Gathering today, 29 Jan 2010 Exhortation by Tuck Leh

Watching the video below, when Derek was struggling with the pain, I really saw myself in it: hopeless, sin, strengthless, disappointed with myself, lonely, pain, lost... all were there. People are passing by and I was struggling, alone... I really felt myself not worthy of anything anymore. And then, when Derek got up and started running again, I found myself saying, "Yes Lord... I will not quit!" I want to continue running, and finish the race. And I know that my Father is running with me, giving me support and strength.

Note: About the role of leadership, I'm still not confident to myself as in whether I'm able to lead, what I can give etc. But I know, God's the One who's providing me with all those, and I came to know 1 thing: I want to do it. So how? hmm..

Yes! I really love the way God uses BBTC to bless me, to shape me. God.. I am now excited again to experience all that You're gonna do in my life. Help me Lord that this won't be just an overnight fire, but may this be something that stays in me that sustain my desire and excitement to seek You and grow in deeper knowledge of You.

Ni ming bai ma?

Forsaking all (far from family etc...) but without any achievement, without anything significant... zhi zhong xin qing, ni ming bai ma? Wo ming bai...

You Can, because He Can

You Can, Because He Can

I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. Job 42:2 NKJV

You can ask the Lord
because He will not give you a wrong answer.
You can wait upon the Lord
because His timing is always perfect.
You can trust in the Lord
because He makes no mistakes.
You can hope in the Lord
because He holds your future.
You can rest in the Lord
because He is in control of your life.
You can lean upon the Lord
because He is completely faithful.

(Meet Me in the Meadow - by Roy Lessin)

Sad... what can I do to relieve?

I am sooo sad with so many things... but I dunno what to do... suddenly feel so helpless, dunno what can I do to ease this sadness...
Things seem to have no way out... oh God.. help me know that You will make a way... You will give miracle and surprise in a way I never thought of...
And God... not too long, pls... :((

I am so sad

I wrote this on 5th Jan, and til now.

I am so sad... because:
1. I am stuck spritually! I am so disappointed with myself in term of my spiritual life.
2. I am lost! Dunno what's next. Really lost my direction.
3. I wanna live and be with Pa and Mi, but I dunno how.
4. Lid have unhappinesses towards me. I've become her stumbling block.
5. Some one I'm closest to in this house, my roommate and my good friend, the only person I can tell some of my 'xin shi' to (if not all) is leaving. Now I'm even more alone...
6. Need to find a good roommate.
And lastly, Mi's chasing me about 'that'. Wo hao fan ah... frustrated...

I'm sorry, God...

Feeling such a failure.. I mean, as a Christian who's supposed to make people see Christ, as a servant of God who's supposed to represent God and His love in this world. Feeling teribly lousy... feel 'kui cian le Shang Di', feel unworthy to serve.. I mean, what's the meaning I serve God here and there, busy here and there, but people don't like you, people see you as a hypocrite.. isn't it worse? Oh.. I'm sorry God, if I've shamed Your name..
But I also don't want to let this feeling hinder me from serving the Lord, if it's only me who's too sensitive, 'xiang tai duo'.

But God, if it is, it is true that I've been a stumbling block for people surrounding me, I am sorry, God.. forgive me.. and help me and teach me, change me, transform me into being like You more each day, that others may see You in me, to be of a good testimony. My character, yes, my character to be a spirit-led temperament and character.

Pls remove my unpeacefullness, God... Yes, whether I'm worthy or not to serve You, it's not justified or determined by people and how they look at me. It is Yo, Lord... Because I'm righteous not because of what I've done, but because You made me so, tho I don't deserve to be. So consecrate me, help me be holy, worthy of God's servant. Help me to stay focused on You, holding and seeing loosely all others' opinion, but holding tightly only onto You, loving You more, pray more, worship more, read bible more, thirst after You more, serve You more, obey You more, share Gospel more!

Up to this point, I guess, I kinda get what God wants me to focus more at in regards with my life: My Worship Life! A whole life worship. Not only in music and songs, but in every aspect of my life, worshipping God, behaving as a God's worshipper. Romans 12:1-2. Have Your mercy on me, once again Lord, would You??

Help me, Lord.. not to 'zai hu' that people dun understand my 'xin yi', dun appreciate, and even many times misunderstand me. Because You know... yes, this 'wei qu' You know, this lonely struggle You know, how hard I've tried to love them, You know, how I did all I did only because I love them, because I care for them, You know... so, I'm gonna say, It's okay...

Zhu, wo yao... Breakthrough... Revival...

Ohh.. from deep within, I really realize that I've lost the fire, the passion, the 'heart for God', the heart that cries for His kingdom sake, yeah.. that desperateness for God's work to be done...

God.. I yield to You, "Zhu.. wo yao ni de fu xin lai dao wo shen ming zhong... Zai ci fu xin wo, ying dao wo, si yong wo.. zai ci shi xia ni en dian, lian ming..."